My Fertility Story [NFP Awareness Week]

If you've been following me long enough in this little corner of the web, you know a few personal things about me in the "ladies-only" department.

I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).

I've had major surgery for it.

I've had a miscarriage.

I've had some fertility struggles.

I had a medically rough pregnancy for my daughter.

But what you may not know, and what I'd really like to share, is how deeply grateful I am for the part NFP has played in my story. It's NFP Awareness Week, so it's a perfect time to open my heart and these chapters of my life to you.

Ten years ago I was on a hormonal birth control pill to treat a few symptoms I was having in my early twenties. I was somewhat ignorant and accepted the prescription my nurse practitioner gave me, even though she did no testing of my hormones, etc, but simply made a guess and gave me one of the most popular "women's health" prescriptions out there-- hormonal birth control. Why we heap mega doses of synthetic estrogen into women's systems without even testing their estrogen levels and call it healthcare, I'll never know. But I was swept into the current and took my pills faithfully for six months.

Until someone mentioned the Creighton model of NFP and Naprotechnology-- a medical branch of Natural Family Planning based on science but also very faith-friendly. This person suggested that maybe the birth control pills were simply covering up my symptoms without getting to the root of my problem. 

I made an appointment with a Naprotechnology doctor, learned the method of charting, and was thoroughly evaluated with labwork, testing, and in-depth evaluation of my chart. As a nurse, I was SO impressed. As a female patient, I felt empowered and dignified with learning more about my unique body's cycle-- and it's abnormalities.

Long story short, I was diagnosed with PCOS, had major surgery for it by a Naprotechnology surgeon, and continued to use Creighton and Napro through the years for my health. Though the surgery greatly improved my health and fertility, nothing quite cures PCOS so we knew there might be some residual effects.

When I got married, we conceived quickly but miscarried our precious child just as quickly. Off to the Napro doctor we went, and he was SO compassionate and competent with my care. The 'regular' OB world doesn't test you for anything until you've had 2-3 miscarriages consecutively. If you've ever had a miscarriage, you know that this would be pure torture to simply 'allow' 1 or 2 more to happen before getting tested. Our Napro doctor acknowledged that we had lost a child and that he would test us right away because who wants to lose more children if you can prevent it??

I was then found to have low progesterone and a funky genetic issue called MTHFR-- both put you highly at risk for miscarriage but are actually easily treatable once you know. With our sweet G, I was on medications for both even before we conceived her to give her the best chance of sticking around this side of heaven. :) I was also on progesterone throughout my pregnancy and monitored frequently. While it was challenging, it was all SO worth it to carry and deliver our healthy baby girl.

Honestly, I don't think I would have her if it would not for God's grace guiding us to Naprotechnology and the Creighton model of NFP.

We continue to use NFP each month, discerning whether God is calling us to postpone or avoid a pregnancy or to be open to it. It's beautiful. And it's hard. Yes, it would be easier to take birth control have a greater sense of control over my body. But did you know  hormonal birth control can actually cause an early abortion? Sure, it might be simpler to use a condom rather than "risk" a pregnancy when we don't feel ready for it, or to have to avoid sex that day if we truly aren't in a good place for a pregnancy.

But we took vows on our wedding day to give ourselves to each other freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully. And that includes in sex. Freely without reserve. Totally without stamping out our body's natural signs and abilities to be fertile. Faithfully and according to the Catholic Church's teaching. And fruitfully, knowing that to bear fruit of our love is a beautiful thing even when it's hard.

I'm always very open about our journey-- both with fertility struggles and with the reality of using NFP as a married couple. If you have questions or thoughts, feel free to email me!

Happy NFP week!

Love vs. Fear

"Perfect love casts out fear." -1 John 4:18

My progesterone level plummeted last week, a hormone that should normally rise in pregnancy.

But our little one continues to dance around beneath my heart and I'm taking one for the team with two injections a week to help my levels rise.

So many tears and so many fears that day. I was frustrated and exhausted by the hope/fear cycle of pregnancy after loss. It feels like each time my heart begins to soar with unfettered joy for the life within, something happens to jolt me back to reality that a happy ending isn't always certain. I had just started to feel the amazing kicks of our baby and rejoice in the beauty of connecting with the unique child inside me by his or her sweet movements...then a few days later my body fails to protect that child.

I've been reflecting on the experience and the Lord is showing me a powerful, challenging truth.

We are called to love fearlessly in this life. 

Everything is uncertain. We are not in control-- which can be both terrifying and comforting at different times! But what we can do is choose to love no matter what comes, even if it be loss or lack.

Fear can hold us back from experiencing true love and the abundant life Jesus offers us (John 10:10). When we fear, we hesitate. We hold back. We don't want to get attached or fully invested. But by doing so, we're missing out on freedom. Fear cripples us. It binds us from love without limits.

When we love without fear of rejection or loss, when we allow our love to conquer fear of the unknown or the unwanted, we experience the truest freedom and fullest love. We let go of the chains and we now can know boundless love...which leads to deep joy and peace.

That means talking to my sweet baby (he/she can hear now!) and relishing these moments of communion, even if Jesus takes our little one to heaven sooner than I would want.

It means sharing my deepest self with my husband--physically, emotionally, mentally-- without fearing he'll love me less or find me inadequate.

It means diving deeper into my relationships with family and friends instead of fearing losing them to distance, changing circumstances, or even death.

It means tithing, giving, and sharing with others instead of looking ahead and fearing financially as we add another person to our family.

It means sharing the truths of my God and my Faith with a friend without fearing she'll make fun of me or misunderstand.

It means throwing myself into my Heavenly Father's arms when I make mistakes, commit sin, or just feel like I'm not living up to my potential, trusting that He will never reject me and is always ready with mercy and grace to start fresh.

In what areas of your life is fear holding you back from love? How can you cast out fear by loving more fully, more freely?

Clutter in the Stable

Stuff. We can't seem to get away from it. We're so blessed with stuff yet we trip over it at the same time.

It's this paradox I struggle with. The boxes of Christmas decorations on my kitchen floor, the piles of dishes in the sink, the endless mountains of mail and paperwork, the tornado aftermath of glitter and glue and cardstock from my attempt at making Christmas cards.

It's driving me crazy. All this clutter.

And it's driving me crazy that it's driving me crazy! Because I'm thankful too. I really am. The stuff is also the blessing. I'm thankful for holidays and festive touches, for the time and money to cook at home, for the sweet cards people send in the mail, for the fun hobby of crafting.

Of course, let's not even talk about the clutter of my mind. You know, all those woman-thoughts we juggle every day as we plan, ponder, worry, and solve everything in the world. I'm pretty sure I live everywhere but the present moment. (Well, and there's the wedding planning perpetually on my mind. There's the little-girl-princess dreaming of a fairy tale wedding but also the adult-saint-in-progress overwhelmed by the materialism of it all and trying to keep it simple and holy!)

Even this post is clutter-y as I lay it all out there in no form of organization. (Has anything I've said yet really made sense?!)

So. I'm wondering.

Does the outer clutter cause the inner clutter? Does my cell phone, my social media, and my own perfectionist expectations cause the messy mind?

Or do I need to clean my heart out before I clean my house?

It's Advent, friends.

So I'm thinking about these things. About the my own messy stable. The manger of my heart. Is it clean? Is it comfortable?

More than anything, is it available?

Or is it full of stuff? So full to where I too often reply to Jesus like a crowded innkeeper? Too much going on today, no room to speak to Him, to see Him in others, to receive His love and listen for His voice. My stable is cluttered. My manger is messy. I need help this Advent.

Lord Jesus, my Savior, help me please. Help me make room for you this month. Help me quiet my space, simplify my schedule, prepare my heart, and invite you in.



Love,

NAS: Back in the Swing!

Linking up with the NAS girls this week! They are growing like crazy-- in grace, vibrancy, and numbers! I'm not the most loyal participant, but I'm a loyal stalker! These young women are absolutely beautiful and I love learning about them and their lives as we all live this season of unique joys and challenges together.

And now. Onto this week's topic...

We are back! As we get into the swing of things with NAS, what other ways can we be more involved at church or in our communities? Is there a parish ministry you have been wanting to help with or start up? What about that after school program for homeless kids? Has something been preventing you from getting involved? How do you think this will help you personally, spiritually and emotionally?

This is such a great topic. One that makes my fingers pause on the keyboard as my mind runs ahead with thoughts...maybe a sip of the tasty lemonade next to me will help sort my thoughts into sentences...

One of the perks of being a single young woman is the ability to be in charge of your schedule (including any and all free time!). For me, sometimes it's easy to want to use that free time for myself. You know, bake cookies, paint my nails, go out with girlfriends, work on a DIY project...I'm pretty much never bored, guys. Yet even though all of that is great and I'm thankful for the little joys, I also want to live this season in a way that glorifies God and brings not only me closer to Him, but also all those I encounter. I don't want my purpose to be simply enjoying these years while I wait for the vocation of marriage. Rather I want to be an encourager, teacher, nurturer, and evangelist--actively waiting for the vocation of marriage while I live out now this beautiful lifelong vocation of being a woman!

The next question is how do we do that?? Honestly, I don't think there's a specific right answer for everyone. Even though we may all fall into the category of "single young women," we also come with unique gifts and talents, personalities, emotional states, and so on. In my post-college years of being single, I've had years of being involved in multiple (probably too many) service/volunteer commitments and I've also had years of quitting every single one of them to pause and allow much-need spiritual renewal after experiencing burnout (or a breakup!). These days, I'm volunteering as an ultrasound nurse at the crisis pregnancy center, a member on our pastoral council, and part of a women's monthly share group. I love that one is counseling and mentoring those in need outside the church, one is a vision team for building up the church, and one is for my own personal support and encouragement. Each one is such a blessing and the time commitment feels just right...but who knows what opportunities God might be getting ready to present!

Here are a few last thoughts on single young women and our involvement in church and community:

-Don't over-commit! I'm pretty sure some people think that since singles have no family, they have no need for free time. Some parishioners will want you to be part of every committee or class or group possible. It's okay to say no.

-Don't sacrifice your own time with the Lord. There's a subtle danger of serving God and His people yet finding no time to actually pray, read spiritual books, and tend to your own soul. If you feel like you're talking about God (in CCD class, small group, whatever) more than you're talking TO God, find some time for some soul-searching and ask God to help you prioritize and to show you how to be both Martha and Mary!

-Do follow your heart. Do you find joy working with youth? Have a passion for women's ministry? Want to start a small group? Like being behind the scenes serving? Sometimes God does ask us to step out of our comfort zones and fill a need, yet most often I think He wants us to use the gifts He's given us. Pray and reflect on what brings you joy and fulfillment and then try to find a service area that calls out your particular gifts and passions.

Looking forward to reading more of how the other ladies use their time, treasure, and talents! You can read their stories here!

Blessing Bags [A Project]

I grew up a country girl and now I'm just a small town girl (let me re-phrase...a country girl living in a small town!) but every once in awhile I make the drive to the city for some shopping. There's a particular shopping spot I love and almost every time on the corner of the stoplight entrance stands a man or woman holding a cardboard sign.

You've seen them. The poor. The homeless. And perhaps, according to some people, the good actors.

But every time it tugs at my heart. The thought of standing there for hours on end with a small sign that tells the world you need help. And to have so many cars just pass on by as they spend countless amounts of money in the stores.

"And the king will say to them in reply...For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, a stranger and you gave me no welcome." (Matthew 25:42-43)

I've bought sandwiches and come back to deliver them. I've given money. I've said a silent prayer. And I've passed by doing nothing.

We don't know their stories. We don't know if they'll use money to buy alcohol. But we do know there's an opportunity in front of us to be Jesus to someone...to see Jesus in someone.

So when I saw this project on Pinterest, I thought it was a fabulous idea! I still want to challenge myself to give when it hurts and to make the personal connection with people in need, but these practical little Blessing Bags are so neat. I made three to keep in my car and would like to add a Subway gift card to each one.

Check them out and let me know what you think:

NAS: Goals for the New Year

I'm uninspired tonight, but determined to write.

(hey that rhymed...maybe I'd be better off with a poem right now!)

Happy New Year, my friends! There's nothing like the pressure of writing the first blog post of the year. Just kidding. I'm actually excited about this post. Maybe I'm not uninspired...just pensive. Reflective.

Because this post is supposed to be about my resolutions. My goals. My ideas for a fresh clean slate of a new year. (One of which is to blog more, so stay tuned!)

The NAS girls always have great topics, so I'm joining with them this week:

In what ways can you grow/stretch RIGHT NOW that could affect the whole of 2014?

Ew. As much as I appreciate personal growth, the stretching part of it is not so fun. It requires things like discipline, patience, endurance, humility. I'm rather a novice when it comes to those.

But.
I do like goals. And I love God's grace. And some days my Type A mind learns to look at the unknown as an adventure.

So bring on 2014.

And we'll make some goals to be safe.

Like in the area of food. Goal #1. (I know, so typical. But wait for it. There's a unique spiritual goal at the end of this post.) I want to improve in two aspects of this area. Budgeting my groceries and eating healthier snacks. After tonight. Because I'm really enjoying these salt and vinegar kettle chips. But vinegar is healthy. Pinterest says so.

Goal #2. Exercise. My fingers are frozen on the keyboard. What can I say for this one? I know I need it--I'm a cardiology nurse, after all. But making the time for it is just so tricky when you work full time. And when you like to sleep in the morning. (In my defense, I get up a half hour early to pray. The idea of even earlier to torture my body with a workout makes me tremble.) Getting back to the goal: three times a week. That's it. I can do this. Zumba counts. So does a long, long walk. (or maybe running...I used to love running. Before the snow and cold came.)

Goal #3. Blogging more often. I love writing. And I love connecting with you wonderful people. Being inspired and encouraged by you. So I would like to write once a week (not counting my Wednesday quotes! Unless I have to.)

Finally. The serious one. The spiritual one. Goal #4. For the past 8 years, I've made a New Year's resolution that focused on a heart quality, a virtue, I wanted to learn more about and grow in. (thankful heart, steadfast heart, joyful heart, and so on). I love having a specific word/focus for the year. Some years I've grown more than others. In keeping with the NAS question above, I have a feeling this year's goal will stretch me more than some of the others. I'm asking the Lord to help me have

an inviting heart.

I want to invite others into my heart, into my home, into the Catholic Church. I want to invite new friends and old friends into my life even when I feel busy. I want to invite people into my vulnerability. Into my messiness (including my home at times!). I want to invite people in deeper relationship with Christ. By my word. By my example. By open arms and heart and listening ears.

Welcome, 2014!

(Interested in joining the link up? Visit Jen or Morgan for more details!)

Where There is Love, There is God: A Book Review

I remember being in 5th grade when she died. The same year Princess Diana died. We had our kids' issue of Time magazine and both women graced the cover.

As a young girl, the pictures of the beautiful Princess fascinated me...

Yet even then, I remember the indescribable, intriguing beauty of the other woman.

Mother Teresa.

That was fifteen years ago, but she continues to inspire me the more I learn about her life, her heart, and her overflowing love for God and others.

So when I saw this book become available for review, I jumped at the chance to read more of her beautiful yet challenging words. Her humility and simplicity sometimes mask the strength and courage of this incredible daughter of God. Yet in every picture of her I see that unmistakable grace, that light of Christ shining through her. And I want to be like that. That's the beauty I want.

Though it would be too extensive to chronicle my path to my upcoming Haiti trip, this woman has had a huge part in it. We'll be working with the same order she was a part of--the Missionaries of Charity-- and I'm deeply happy to meet them and see the same spirit of joy and love among them that exuded from her. As a Catholic, I firmly believe in the Body of Christ both here on earth and in heaven, so I asked for her prayers surrounding the trip, that all would work out for me to go if God willed it and that my heart would be open to whatever way things turned out--even if it meant humbly accepting that I could not go. Sweet friends in Heaven.

Where There is Love, There is God is a collection of letters, speeches, and teaching from Mother Teresa. As the title implies, the resounding theme is love. It all comes down to love. Not a fluffy, emotional type love, but a deep, powerful love that can only come from intimacy with God, the One who is Love.

Time and again, she exhorts us to go deeper in prayer to find joy, peace, unending love, and a heart ready to serve--not to perform or check off good deeds, but rather as an outpouring of the love we receive from the Father. This is what the secular world does not seem to see in Mother Teresa...that she not only served the poor and was a world-changer in social justice, but that her service was so deeply rooted in a relationship with Christ. As St. Paul says, our actions are nothing without Love.

Beautiful. And challenging. Sometimes the simplest things are the most difficult.

This book is a treasure. The only downside I could possibly say about it is that it takes a long time to read--simply because each paragraph is so rich and so full of thought-provoking sentiments. And yet, perhaps to path of holiness is best taken one small step at a time. To reflect on one small truth at a time and let it sink deeply into our hearts and souls. Here are a few of those small steps that I loved. (And if you like, you can read Chapter 1 here!)

'The Father loves me, He wants me, He needs me.' That kind of attitude is our trust, our joy, our conviction. Anything may come: impatience, failures, joy, but say to yourself, 'The Father loves me.'

You must be full of silence, for in the silence of the heart God speaks. An empty heart God fills.

What does it mean to be alone with Jesus? It doesn't mean to sit alone with your own thoughts. No, but even in the midst of the work and of people, you know His presence. It means that you know that He is close to you, that He loves you, that you are precious to Him, that He is in love with you.

And if my heart is pure, if in my heart is Jesus, if my heart is a tabernacle of the living God to sanctify in grace: Jesus and I are one.

[This book was provided to me at no cost in exchange for a review. These are my honest and original thoughts about the book. Thank you, WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Company!]

We Still Sing

"Sing we now of Christmas
Sing we all Noel
Of the Lord and Savior
We the tidings tell."

Eight of us met that night for Christmas caroling at the nursing home. What an incredibly beautiful experience. Though Christmas was still ten days away, it felt as if Christmas came to us that night.

Or maybe not Christmas...but Christ who came and was indeed in our midst.

We walked through the dimly lit halls, eight voices lifted in song, altos and sopranos mingling in harmony. As we passed each room, we would pause at the door to finish the song, then ask for any requests. "Silent Night" was the one most often chosen--for who isn't touched by the holy wonder of that song?

Later as I reflected on the gifts of girlfriends and kindness and music, I realized the evening held even deeper meaning behind it...

Click here to read the rest of this article at The Catholic Young Woman

Moments

Right now it's tough to see people I haven't seen in awhile because the inevitable question comes up.

"How have you been?"

How have I been? Can broken and grace-filled be used in the same sentence? Or do I just say 'fine' and avoid a conversation?

But when I saw her, I didn't mind if she asked. I even wanted her to. Because everything about her is beauty and kindness and sincerity.

She looked me in the eyes and asked the question.

And even though I hadn't seen her for months, somehow I could tell. She knew.

I stumbled for words and she hugged me. She held me tight and murmured kind words as tears crept to the corners of my eyes. But tears would have to wait, for we only had five minutes. So we quickly talked about me. And him. About her. And her husband's health. And about the faith we both cling to and rest in. The tears stayed in the corners of both our eyes.

This woman is one of the strongest yet most feminine women I know. She knows suffering and pain very well, but I've never seen her bitter or harsh or angry. I met her years ago...when a lanky frizzy-haired teenager asked a lovely, gentle woman what type of floral perfume she was wearing (Jessica McClintock brand, since I know you were wondering!). Who would have thought such a meaningful friendship could develop from that encounter?

Today's encounter was no different. I was comforted and refreshed simply after seeing her. My heavy heart's burden was eased because I knew this woman loved me and cared deeply. I saw her strength in carrying her own crosses...and I was inspired to take up my own cross more joyfully, more faithfully.

All this from one woman. From one moment.

And I wonder...

What do people experience in their encounters with me? Do I help ease their burdens by listening and comforting? Do I spread joy and grace? When they leave me, do they feel loved?

Father, mold me into a woman who opens her eyes to the opportunity to love in each moment, one person at a time.

Steadfast

I sat on the beautiful second-story balcony with my friend K. at the bed-and-breakfast. Dusk was quickly settling on the peaceful Amish hillside. There were no lights for miles, just farmland and barns and white farmhouses in this sweet country of the Plain people.

I unzipped my Bible cover and opened the Word. There was peace in my surroundings but inwardly my heart was hurt and confused and unsettled.

K. had listened to me tearily relay that morning a struggle in my relationship. Misunderstanding. Uncertainty. Tension. (The perfectionist in me hates the messiness in human relationships...but the redeemed child of God in me reminds me that it's okay not to be perfect as long as we belong to the One who is...and that He's pretty amazing at redeeming the messiness).

I opened to Chapter 1 in James. I knew it well--all about doubt and being tossed like waves on the ocean. Yes, this one was fitting for us. Though I don't want to share details, there was some pride in my wounded heart as I chose this chapter tonight. These words were for him, not for me, I thought.

I should know by now that when we read His Word, He usually wants to talk to us...not about other people.

Instead of going right to verse 6 about faith and doubt and such, I started at the beginning. And I felt His Voice deep in my heart, comforting and instructing.

"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4)

Count it all joy.

The testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

Let steadfastness have its full effect.

Steadfastness.

That word kept echoing in my mind and heart. I wasn't loving him steadfastly. I was loving him conditionally. I wasn't loving him as Christ loves us--constantly, unconditionally. Steadfastly. This was my call. I heard it in my heart as clearly as if He had spoken it from the heavens in the clear, starry sky tonight. Not to mull over the details of the messiness. Not to worry or to figure things out or to place blame. But to love. Always to love. As Jesus does. He says that this testing of my faith would help produce that kind of steadfast love in me. And choosing to love steadfastly would in turn "have its full effect," which may not be a change in the situation...but a change in me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He does transform the messiness. Time and time again. So today, months later, as I find myself getting discouraged and in another trial, I remind myself to count it all joy.

And as I catch up with a few friends' blogs on this cozy Sunday afternoon, a little verse sticks out to me at the bottom of my friend Christine's post...James 1:2-4. Thank you, Lord. You always know just what I need.

Sharing Your Zucchini Bread

I love zucchini bread. There’s nothing like it in the world. Soft summertime goodness with butter spread on top. I could eat a whole loaf all by myself.

So when I baked the first loaf of the season, somehow it stayed quietly hidden on the shelf of my refrigerator while a couple dozen friends came and went during a get-together this month. A crazy-fun day and night of sports and fireworks and food, nonstop talking and laughter…but no zucchini bread.

In my defense, I really didn’t think much about it the whole time. Yet after they left, visions of sugarplums  zucchini bread danced through my head and I happily remembered the loaf on that second shelf.

But I was about to eat a slice of humble pie instead.

Read the rest of this article at The Catholic Young Woman

Beginning Holy Week

I’m so grateful that when I just don’t get it sometimes, God sends someone who does.

I glared studied the calendar for this week, pen in hand. Something written on each of the days.

My brother had recently shared with me some wisdom from his priest at college—make Holy Week a retreat. Put aside your usual activities and immerse yourself in the beauty and meaning of these days of Jesus’ Passion, Death, and Resurrection.

I loved this advice.

So why was my calendar looking rather full for the week?

My roommate Andrea came up behind me and teased me about my solemn stare-down with the calendar. I complained explained my dilemma and frustration that I wouldn’t have as much free time as I wanted to focus on Jesus and His journey.

And then she smiled and calmly blew me away.

Be like Jesus, she told me. Give of yourself to the people you’ll encounter this week in the same way He gave His all for us in His sacrifice on the cross.

So simple. So practical. So profound.

Then she turned back to making breakfast.

For herself, of course. I already had some humble pie that needed to be eaten.

Uprooting Pride, Part 2

In November, I posted about the underlying pride and perfectionism in my prayer to not make a mistake.

As a recovering perfectionist, my new prayer is: "Lord, help me not to make a mistake...unless You will be glorified by my mistake."

Because the fact is, God can and does use our mistakes and our brokenness to glorify Him, to point to His power, healing, and perfection (His power is made perfect in our weakness--2 Corinthians 12:9). He can use our mistakes and brokenness to pull others into His embrace who may have once thought they were too flawed to be accepted. Without mistakes, sin and brokenness, there would be no need for a Savior.

And who could ever say that?

I recently heard the point that we are like a Pharisee when we focus more being perfect than on God's forgiving love. How true and how convicting. We are focusing on ourselves rather than God. (One of my favorite definitions of humility: "Humility is not thinking less of yourself-- but thinking of yourself less.")

There's a beautiful humility in acknowleding our need for Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals. A humility in admitting that no matter how much we love Christ and want to follow Him, we are frail humans who fall short and make mistakes and even sin against Him.

But even more beautiful than acknowledging our need for Him is actually receiving His forgiveness, receiving His unconditional love, and allowing Him to bring good from the messiness and imperfection in our lives.

The third week of Advent begins today. Let's continue to root out the pride in our hearts to make room for the coming Savior, admitting our frailty and need for Him in our lives every single day.

Uprooting Pride

I found myself the other day sending up a prayer for a decision I was trying to make.

It was one of those prayers that just happens, without much thought to it, while I'm going about my day. A quick mental whisper while I am busy with another task.

"Help me not to make a mistake in my choice."

And then I paused.

Something seemed askew with that spontaneous prayer. "Not to make a mistake." Something all-too-familiar was behind that phrase.

Pride.

That nasty thing called Pride.

Oh, sure, it seemed harmless enough that I was asking for help. Admirable, even, to include God with my decision-making. Yet I wondered, am I really more concerned with what He wants or about making a mistake? Am I more worried about the good of my soul or about feeling regret?

Someone once told me that perfectionism and pride are one and the same. That perfectionism is a pretty term we use for pride.

Perfectionism is all about not making a mistake. So is pride.

Pride reminds me of the spearmint in my old garden. If you've grown spearmint, you know how deeply it grows and what a stronghold it creates! It would overtake my garden every year. I would root it out again and again, only to find later a new sprout from deeper roots that I had missed.

Pride will pop up again and again. Just when we think we've rooted it out of our hearts, it sprouts in an attitude, a judgment-- even a prayer! Only with God's help can we truly uproot it and plant the seeds of humility.

And I have this humbling feeling that it's going to take a lifetime!