My Word for 2018

It's still the month of resolutions, although I think statistically we're almost to the point where people give them up again? ha!

I'm normally ALL about goals and resolutions this time of year. So it was really odd for me to not have any idea of what I wanted to do for the year. I would think about it and pray a little, but nada!

Trust me, it's not because I don't need to improve. There are pleeenty of areas for that.

But nothing really stuck out. And in some ways, I'm already working on a lot of areas from the past few months-- decreasing/eliminating social media, cleaning out and organizing my home in preparation for the new baby, and striving to use naptime more for prayer and creativity.

But the list-making, label-loving part of me still really wanted a resolution or goal. So I prayed again for a word.

And it came.

Not what I thought it would be. But it's perfect.

Cherish. 

In the midst of all my 'doings' and 'improvings' and strivings, THIS is what I need to remember: I am blessed with my husband, my children, my family and friends and community. With little moments and daily rhythms and ordinary beauty. And instead of forgetting all of that in the midst of my improving, I want to cherish them all.

To pause more, love deeper, play sillier, hug tighter, and relish these precious people and fleeting moments. 

We are a people of looking ahead. And when we look ahead, we fail to cherish in the present. 

With God's grace, not this year.

Do you have a focus or desire or hope or goal for this year? I'd love to hear it!

Afraid to Love

(Originally written March 2016)

What's the greatest thing that holds you back from experiencing true love?

A deep, dark sin? 

A busy schedule?

A spell from a poisonous apple given to you by a Disney movie witch?

Though it could be (almost) any of those, I'm going to guess none of those are actually the greatest stumbling block to love for you and for me. 

You know what is, though?

Fear. 

Throughout my life, I've seen fear hold me back time and again from loving fully, loving freely, and loving...well...fearlessly. 

My husband and I were privileged to hear Matt Hammitt (former lead singer of Sanctus Real) speak at my workplace fundraiser this past week. We were both powerfully impacted by the story of his son Bowen, who was diagnosed with a rare heart defect at 20 weeks in the womb. Matt and his wife, though advised to abort little Bowen and end his life, chose life and continued with their pregnancy. Little Bowen had open heart surgery at just 4 days after birth and the recovery included an episode when Bowen's tiny heart stopped beating-- a doctor did compressions on his bare heart in his open chest while Matt and his wife cried and prayed and held on to the blue toes of their beloved son. 

But God has plans for Bowen. And we saw the adorable five-year-old this past week as he helped his dad sing a song on stage that was written around the time of Bowen's birth. 

Matt shared with us that he struggled to become attached to Bowen after that tragic prenatal diagnosis. The pregnancy became a time of fear and uncertainty and even detachment. As his song states, Matt was "afraid to love something that could break." Yet God continued to move in his heart and mind and showed him that he could love Bowen in the way God loves us-- with all that was in him. Without reserve. Without condition. Without fear. Yes, there might be sadness or struggle or even loss, but freely and fearlessly loving-- being all in-- was worth it. He learned to "trade the fear of all that I could lose for every moment I share with you." ("All of Me," Matt Hammitt)

My husband and I had tears as we listened to his powerful testimony and our little one kicked inside my own belly. Though our baby had a healthy heart at 20 weeks, this pregnancy has been rocky with bad blood level results and our own fears due to our previous miscarriage. We have struggled with detachment at times and being afraid to love this precious child too much in case we lose this one, too. 

But God continues to work in our hearts and we, too, are learning what it looks like to love freely, fully, and fearlessly. Despite lab results or increased medications, we are learning to rejoice in every moment we spend with this incredible gift from God growing inside me. 

Fear creeps in to every relationship and circumstances because the devil is always trying to keep us from experiencing the rich love of the Father and the love He desires us to have with each other. Where might fear be holding you back?

Are you sharing your deepest self with your spouse--physically, emotionally, mentally-- or are you holding back because you're afraid of feeling inadequate or unloved?

Are you diving deeper into your relationships with family and friends, or are you afraid of losing them to distance, disagreements, or even death?

Are you tithing, giving, and sharing with others or are you afraid of financial insecurity?

Are you sharing God's truths with other or do you fear misunderstanding or being made fun of?

And here's the biggest one: is fear holding you back from throwing yourself into your Heavenly Father's arms? Whether you're afraid of your mistakes and sins or you just feel ashamed for not living up to your potential, know that He will never reject you and is always ready with open arms, abundant mercy, and the grace to start fresh. He loves you with all that He is, and wants to teach you to do the same. 

Let's experience that freeing love together this week. God is an expert at breaking the chains of fear. All we need do is ask. 

This.

This post written by Jenny pretty much sums up how I've been feeling about social media lately. It's been long coming, and there's a part of me that fights it, but I've given up Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest during this Advent season-- and I've already seen a huge difference in my ability to be present, to be content, to be truly connected to people.

My hubby uses social media for his job, but is only checking it twice a day during Advent. We also decided to turn the TV off during 8-9pm and we've used that hour as a somewhat sacred hour to talk, pray, and read. Neither one of us would have said we're addicted or obsessed with social media but it's amazing to see the results of intentionally 'unplugging.' We've struggled to find time to pray together but all of a sudden we have a whole hour conducive to it.

I'm entering into moments more fully-- the good, the bad, and the ugly-- and it's freeing. Is this the right step for everyone? I don't know, I just know it's right for me in this season. To focus on my husband, my daughter, my family, my co-workers, my friends, even the people God sends into my particular sphere (like the single momma I wrote about). I feel more peace living small. I hear God more in the silence. I see reality more clearly without a screen.

It's hard to let go sometimes in a world that praises quantity more than quality. That esteems busyness and accomplishments over solitude and soul-work. But my book club chapter this month spoke of listening well when God speaks twice. And I just feel like He's continuing to speak to me about the value of an unplugged, hidden life lived well. We'll see where He takes my small offering this Advent...

Love vs. Fear

"Perfect love casts out fear." -1 John 4:18

My progesterone level plummeted last week, a hormone that should normally rise in pregnancy.

But our little one continues to dance around beneath my heart and I'm taking one for the team with two injections a week to help my levels rise.

So many tears and so many fears that day. I was frustrated and exhausted by the hope/fear cycle of pregnancy after loss. It feels like each time my heart begins to soar with unfettered joy for the life within, something happens to jolt me back to reality that a happy ending isn't always certain. I had just started to feel the amazing kicks of our baby and rejoice in the beauty of connecting with the unique child inside me by his or her sweet movements...then a few days later my body fails to protect that child.

I've been reflecting on the experience and the Lord is showing me a powerful, challenging truth.

We are called to love fearlessly in this life. 

Everything is uncertain. We are not in control-- which can be both terrifying and comforting at different times! But what we can do is choose to love no matter what comes, even if it be loss or lack.

Fear can hold us back from experiencing true love and the abundant life Jesus offers us (John 10:10). When we fear, we hesitate. We hold back. We don't want to get attached or fully invested. But by doing so, we're missing out on freedom. Fear cripples us. It binds us from love without limits.

When we love without fear of rejection or loss, when we allow our love to conquer fear of the unknown or the unwanted, we experience the truest freedom and fullest love. We let go of the chains and we now can know boundless love...which leads to deep joy and peace.

That means talking to my sweet baby (he/she can hear now!) and relishing these moments of communion, even if Jesus takes our little one to heaven sooner than I would want.

It means sharing my deepest self with my husband--physically, emotionally, mentally-- without fearing he'll love me less or find me inadequate.

It means diving deeper into my relationships with family and friends instead of fearing losing them to distance, changing circumstances, or even death.

It means tithing, giving, and sharing with others instead of looking ahead and fearing financially as we add another person to our family.

It means sharing the truths of my God and my Faith with a friend without fearing she'll make fun of me or misunderstand.

It means throwing myself into my Heavenly Father's arms when I make mistakes, commit sin, or just feel like I'm not living up to my potential, trusting that He will never reject me and is always ready with mercy and grace to start fresh.

In what areas of your life is fear holding you back from love? How can you cast out fear by loving more fully, more freely?

The One Where I Ramble

It's just me tonight. No pictures, no graphics, no scheduled posting. Just an old-fashioned blog ramble.

I think those are good for us every once in awhile.

My blog turned seven this fall. Seven years. Craziness. I was blogging before it was cool. Back when it was an online journal sort of thing. There weren't lifestyle blogs or cooking blogs or mommy blogs.

For seven years, my little blog has remained just that -- little. And I'm okay with it. I'm learning a lot from the Tuesday Talk link-up and the sweet ladies I've met there. I'm excited about learning more about growing a blog, learning more tech stuff, honing social media skills and such.

But in the end, I'm still just me. A lover of the written word. A girl who likes to meet people and learn their stories. A girl who strives to be brave and share her heart, just in case someone stumbles by and says, 'hey, I thought I was the only one going through that.'

So keep me authentic, will you? In the midst of coding and graphic design and recipes and link-ups...don't let me forget that the most important part of a blog is the writer's heart.

Tuesday Talk #3: This Daughter of Eve

It's that time again already! Anyone else feel like the weeks fly by?

What's new with you? What are you excited about this week? Chime in and link up! See details below on our Tuesday Talk party and be sure to link back to at least one of the hostesses!

It all starts in the kitchen with our mugs and muffins.

So this past Saturday a friend and I hosted our second meeting of our women's Bible study. I am so in awe of how God is using it already. We wanted to start out with an intimate group of 8-10 and we're already up to 16 women. Women crave community, don't we? It's so beautiful to see this group of women come together-- single, married, mothers-- and find common ground in our faith walks. Many of them did not know each other at the beginning, but we're already sharing our hearts, our joys and struggles, as we learn about the women of the Old Testament (and munch on muffins and sip warm drinks).

This past month we studied Eve, the first woman, wife, mother. I went in to this chapter thinking of it as an introduction of sorts, a chapter I wanted to "get through" so I could get to the more exciting characters like Esther or the more relevant ones like Sarah with her fertility struggles.

Little did I know, I would relate to Eve a lot more than I realized!

Like mother, like daughter.

As I reflected on the insights of the chapter, the Scripture passages, and the discussion questions, my heart kept opening up more and more to what God wanted to show me.

H. brought pumpkin muffins! Yay!

Eve and I are more alike than I'd ever have guessed.

Do you know why Eve committed that first sin, why she listened to the devil and ate that apple?

Because she didn't trust God.

Her trust in God was weak. She listened to the devil, believed his lies, and then acted. She doubted God's goodness, His providence. She began to see God as One who was withholding good things from her. She allowed Satan to change her view of God instead of speaking truth to herself, of reminding herself of God's promises.

Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so, too.

My trust in God is weak. So often the devil whispers lies to me and causes me to focus on what God is withholding. I doubt His goodness. I doubt His providence. I believe the devil instead of my Heavenly Father. And then I act. I choose selfishness. I avoid prayer. My view of God is distorted.

If only Eve had walked away from the devil's deception. If only she had spoken truth to herself. If only she had sought conversation and time with God, to remember who He is and to hear His reassuring voice drown out the lies.

If only I did that when I'm tempted to doubt, discouragement, sin.

This chapter was so beautiful, so surprisingly insightful. I am Eve's daughter and I see so much of her in me. At the end of the chapter, we were encouraged to make a 'strategy' for building virtue and strength for the moments of temptation. My strategy consisted of five points:

We're outgrowing my living room! :)

1. Remind myself of who I am in Christ.
2. Remember God's goodness and who He is. (My favorite site for the attributes of God!)
3. Develop more discipline in prayer and in my daily life.
4. Seek encouragement through mentors and through visible reminders. (Bible verses in house, car.)
5. Receive grace and strength through the sacraments of the Church. (Give me Jesus in the Eucharist!)





What would your strategy be? Who do you relate to most in the Bible?

The hosts of Tuesday Talk

Beth - Our Pretty Little Girls ~ Michelle - Grammie Time
Keri - Living In This Season  ~ Christina - Waltzing In Beauty
Lauren - Simply Free ~  Becky - BYBMG
Jess and Katie - Sweet Little Ones ~ Whitney - Polka Dotty Place
Laura - Life Is Beautiful ~ Elizabeth - All Kinds Of Things
Sarah - Abiding In Grace ~ Stephanie - Wife Mommy Me
Emily - Morning Motivated Mom

You can join us on Pinterest, too!

Follow Sweet Little Ones's board Tuesday Talk Features on Pinterest.

Join the party, friends, by linking up with your favorite post from the week! Here's the scoop:

An InLinkz Link-up

The Silent Sorrow: Miscarriage Awareness Month

Precious gifts from Sufficient Grace Ministries: A memory book and bear.

It's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

Not that I'm celebrating it or anything. But it's there. And I can't ignore it. I keep seeing posts on social media about miscarriage awareness. And honestly? There's a part of me that wishes more than anything I weren't so acutely aware of it. 

Yet here I am. My heart, my body, my arms aching to hold my little one this side of heaven. To mark the weeks with milestones of growth, instead of milestones of grief.

Yet here I am. Simply a newlywed to most people. But a mother in the deepest core of my being. 

These are the pains no one talks about. Miscarriage is such a silent wound. I think it's partially because of our culture's lack of care for the unborn. To some people, we simply lost a "pregnancy," a "potential child." But we know he was our son. 

During the acute time of grieving after our miscarriage (because the grief never completely ends, it only changes with time; I will always love our child and always yearn to hold him close), God still provided. Yes, there were people who just didn't get it, who said thoughtless things or who said nothing at all. But there were also the people who reached out in word and deed, who prayed like warriors. There were the articles that said what my silent heart wanted to say, there were the women who understood exactly what I was going through. Those words and those women were gifts from God. He was reaching out to me through them.

And so in the coming weeks, I want to compile some of the things that helped me rise and walk again. I want to share them with other women who are suffering from this cross and remind them that they are not alone. 

If you are reading this and uncomfortable with my rawness, my realness, I want to share one more truth. It's an important one: There is joy in this cross. I never thought I'd say that, but there is joy and there is peace. There is joy because God gave us a child. There is joy because we believe he is now in heaven with the Lord, a small but mighty prayer warrior before God as he prays for his parents and awaits our incredible meeting in heaven someday. Our child was loved so deeply his whole time on earth, so wanted, so cared for, so carried. We have never experienced deeper love than that which we had for him-- and that by which he was created. These are good things. These are blessings. The temporary separation is painful, but the eternal joy is sweet. 

So know that we appreciate when you reach out. It means so much when you acknowledge our loss but also our parenthood. When you share about your own losses. When you pray with us and for us. 

We count it all joy, because God has given to us abundantly. (James 1:2, 5)

From a precious friend, who lost her son in the second trimester this summer.
What a beautiful reminder of God's love for our babies.
This is the goal for all of us. Our little ones just made it there before us.

Media Detox

I'm detoxing this week, friends.

No, I'm not drinking that weird mix of lemonade, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper.

I'm not slurping green smoothies with chunks of broccoli and kale floating in them.

I'm not even exercising (okay, I'm going to try to take a run tonight!).

Instead, I'm cleansing my mind and spirit from habits related to a little handheld idol...

My Smart Phone.

The other day I was reflecting on the amount of time I spend on my phone (and the internet). It's not that I spend long hours at a time online...but rather that I fill little moments with it. If I'm in a waiting room at a medical office, waiting in the grocery store, eating lunch by myself, even if I'm procrastinating getting out of bed in the morning-- I'm scanning through the apps on my phone. What's new on Facebook, Instagram, or Pinterest?

It's so. easy. to get hooked on it and to waste those precious little moments with it. I mean, what else would I be doing during those short bursts of time? But that's the problem! What could I be doing with that time? (Prayer for others, meditation on God's love, thinking of a creative way to bring joy to someone else, relishing silence and simplicity.)

My phone can be an enjoyable distraction and a comforting habit. But it's also a thief. Of mental energy. Of focus and concentration. Of joy and contentment (what one of us has NOT struggled with comparison or jealously perusing a social media site at one time?).

Enter the detox plan.

As I reflected on my phone use and wondered what it would be like to use those moments in other ways, I thought...."I should do a fasting week from my phone sometime." Sometime. You know, like far in the future.

But then I changed my mind. There's no time like the present, right? So I announced it to my sister to hold me accountable. And then she decided to join and told my mom. And then my mom decided to join.

And then that night on the news they discussed a recent study on cell phones and the way our constant 'notifications' from them distract our focus and cause us to make up to THREE TIMES more mistakes than we would normally make on whatever we're working on. Thank you, Lord, for the affirmation of my decision! :)

Want to join us? Here's the scoop. We're not throwing the computers, laptops, and phones in the lake. We're being pretty reasonable about this, in case you were getting nervous when I asked you to join.

Here are my rules for the week:

1. Phone can only be used for texts and calls.

2. I am allowed to reference my Pinterest boards for projects/DIY/recipes that I'm working on, but no new pins or scrolling through my feed.

3. I can blog to my little heart's content because writing is creative and beautiful and joyful.

4. No Facebook at all. No Instagram at all (painful!). No surfing from blog to blog to blog.

I'm on Day 2 and it's been fabulous. My mind feels clearer already. I feel closer to the Lord because I don't feel like my online activities are coming before Him. I don't think we were ever meant to have such information overload and such busyness that the online world creates. I'll go back to it, of course. Just like I'd go back to a slice of chocolate cake after a veggie detox. But I'm re-creating better habits in the meantime. Like more discipline in my prayer life and time management.

I'll let you know more thoughts when the week is over! Until then, don't pin anything great that I'll miss out on! ;)

Love,

Identity Crisis

"I'm living in between cornfields in a tiny little town with my new husband in our new home. I'm ridiculously, undeniably, head-over-heels in love with him. But I don't know who I am anymore."  

"There’s an identity crisis when we invite Christ into our lives. But it’s beautiful."

I'm over at The Catholic SIP today with my debut blog post there. Check out my reflections on what marriage is teaching me about identity and walking with Christ. 

Turning the Page

This has been a beautiful holiday break. I mean, hey, it's 1:15pm and I'm cuddled in my chair with coffee, the Little Dog, and a Christmas quilt. Does it get any more cozy than this?

Quiet simplicity and time for reflection. My soul is happily expanding.

I'm reflecting on 2014. And looking ahead at 2015. I'm thinking about all of you. Some of you have been with me the past several years...maybe even some of you since the blog started. You, too, have caused my soul to expand with your own stories, your comments, your love and encouragement. God uses everything. Even (especially?) the internet. To connect His children. The kindred spirits I'd never have known if it weren't for the blog. So thank you. For being with me on the journey.

This past year was full of sunshine and storms and much grace. The beginning of the year found me lost in Paris. No joke. Stranded alone at an airport without a working cell phone and only a French phrase book to guide me. Pretty much an emergency course in trusting God's providence and protection. But all is well as I sit in my American home a year later, realizing with His help I conquered the metro system and my fears.

February found me reeling from a second break-up with my now-fiance. Even on heart-sharing blogs, there must be some things kept in a private corner of the heart. So though I want to share more details, and certainly would if you were across from me with your own coffee mug in hand, I'll simply repeat that God uses everything. I never doubted P.'s love for me, but both of us painfully separated to figure out what God really wanted from us. What a time of surrender and being covered by grace. Of being stripped of everything but the present moment. Of learning to pray with an open hand and heart, confused but earnestly desiring God to make His plan known whatever it might be. If you're going through your own storm right now, my heart is with you. I have tears in my eyes as I write this because hearts that have been broken love best and care most. Lean into Him, friend. He is enough. He does love you and has not forgotten you, even when you don't understand His ways.

I resigned from my manager position with the crisis pregnancy center this spring. It was a difficult decision (to put it mildly) but seemed best when I looked at the neglected areas of my life due to a too busy and stressful schedule. I'm still able to volunteer for them and have more one-on-one contact with clients, including performing ultrasounds-- my true passion. So though I miss the leadership role, I think this current role is perfect for this season and I look forward to how the Lord will use all my experiences in the future to promote a culture of life.

The summertime found me traveling to Tennessee with a carload of 6 girlfriends en route to our cabin in the mountains! We called our Facebook planning group "Epic Tennessee Adventure" and looking back, I can't think of a better description! It was an adventure, and it was epic. I learned how to cook on a charcoal grill, prayed devotions with the girls on our cabin deck, braved class 4 white water rafting, hiked the Smokies, and soaked in a hot tub with my sisters while Dollywood shot off fireworks in the distance. Traveling is such a bonding experience (and it can bring out the worst in us, too, haha!); this trip was a treasured gift and memory.

Then in October, there's this fairy tale where the dragon is slain, the forests are navigated, and all of a sudden I have this diamond on my left hand, the man I love before me, and overflowing joy in my heart. It's humbling and crazy and amazing and messy and indescribably beautiful. Our time apart has solidified our foundation in Christ and I am forever grateful. For all of it. Our God is in the business of redeeming everything we give Him...especially ourselves.

So this 2014 stuff: lost in Paris, then found in Tennessee. A broken heart then a heart that overflows (Psalm 45:1). What can happen in a year...

Now I'm turned the page. 2015. Marriage. Moving. Life as I know it is changing. Will you stay with me, my friends? You who have traveled with me, who send emails and comment love, who remind me time and again how beautiful are human hearts? I invite you into my journey of 2015, my heart and my life. I hope you will let me walk with you, too.

Grace upon grace,

Presence

A few weeks ago I shared with you my struggle this Advent about the clutter in my stable. My soul-searching questions on what to do with the messiness of my life and heart this season.

I considered giving up Facebook or Pinterest. (umm...ok. I take that back. I didn't actually consider giving up Pinterest, not even for a brief moment.) I tried decreasing my cell phone use. I bought Scott Hahn's new book Joy to the World. (hashtag: favorite Catholic author.)

And those were good things to do and to give up.

But I ended up taking a different route this Advent...a different path to Bethlehem, perhaps.

I chose a word.

Just one word. My thoughts and goals and desires stripped down to one single word to simplify my season and focus.

Presence.

(Now since you are reading this instead of hearing it, I can't use the play on words that I did at an Advent presentation for my parish the other night about presents vs. presence. Just pretend and we'll move on.)

I want to be aware of God's presence in my life. In my day. Because that's Emmanuel, God with us. He really is with us every moment. He with us right now--you at your computer, me at mine...He's with us. We forget that, don't we? We're never alone. He is present. He is with us. He loves us. 
In our busy lives, how often do we pause and remember that God is with us? It's a gift. And I think if we paused more often this month to remember that truth, it would help guide the choices we make, the gifts we buy, the ways we fill our schedule and spend the time.

I also wanted the word Presence to remind me to live in the present moment. I so often am thinking about the future, whether it's planning homemade Christmas gifts, my wedding next May, or even what I can find to make for dinner tomorrow night. I miss out on the gift and grace of the here and now. I forget to be grateful. There's only ever enough grace to live the moment. God has the rest in His hands. I think we feel less rushed when we live one day, one moment at a time. Instead of worrying or planning for tomorrow, I'm committing to simply accepting the gift of this day and living it with gratitude.

Finally I want the word Presence to call me to be more fully present to others. Maybe that's the cashier at Walmart (because I hate shopping there this time of year, you guys; too many people and carts, and too. much. stuff.)...maybe God is calling me to make conversation with her because she just lost her mom and is dreading the holidays. Maybe it's the patient I had last Monday who was recovering from a stroke. Her mind was healthy and hard at work but there was a disconnect as she struggled and tearfully stuttered her words. Watching her and helping her made me slow down and be more fully present to her than I had realized I could be. Afterwards, I noticed my whole being was more at peace, because I had slowed down, lived in the moment, been fully present to her, and saw Jesus in her.

Choosing this word and reflecting on it this season hasn't changed my life, but it has changed moments. It hasn't given me a spotless, decluttered manger-heart for Jesus to enter, but it has helped me look for Him more in my day and make more room for Him in my life.

Today may you be aware of God's presence with you personally right now, His love for you, His desire for you to experience Him and his hope, peace, and joy this Advent. Be in this present moment. Let Him speak to your heart. He always speaks with love. And being filled with Him, may you find moments this season to be more fully present to the hurting and needy around us.

Happy Gaudete (Joyful!) Sunday, dear friends. Life doesn't have to be perfect to be joyful, and neither do the holidays!

When It's Hard to Find the Strength to Go to Him

Yesterday morning, I was reflecting on John chapter 11, specifically verses 17-37. The story of Lazarus' death and when Jesus goes to raise him from the dead. But I wasn't thinking about Lazarus. Or even Jesus.

I was thinking about the sisters.

Their grief and the way they dealt with it. Their friendship with Jesus and how their brother's death affected it.

When their brother was ill, they called upon Jesus because of their faith in Him.

"So the sisters sent word to him, saying, 'Master, the one you love is ill.'"

He stayed two days longer in His current town before traveling to their rescue. Because He knew--He had another plan, one that would bring greater glory to God and greater faith and trust in Him.

In the meantime, Lazarus died. And sometimes the unexpected happens in our own lives, when we've cried out to God time and time again to save us from an outcome, heartache, pain. But it happens anyway. I don't know about you, but I've wrestled with this at times. The question "Why?" Eight months ago, I sat alone in the back of the church during Sunday Mass, overwhelmed by my grief but soaking in the Scripture readings. John 11 was being read and this tiny hidden verse hit me as it had never done before. Because I related to Mary:

"When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went to meet him; but Mary sat at home."

Even though I still believe in Him, still trust Him with my mind...I just don't have the strength or the words to pray. I sit there but my heart struggles. Is that okay? If I had greater faith, would I be Martha, going out to meet Jesus, boldly and actively continuing on knowing He will make all things right? Instead, sometimes I can't find the strength to go to Him. I sit at home.

But this is the God we serve, dear friends. The One who doesn't hold our weakness against us, but instead pursues us in our grieving. He seeks us out to heal us, even when we don't have the strength to go out and meet Him. He will come to you. He will call your name.

"When [Martha] had said this, she went and called her sister Mary secretly, saying, 'The teacher is here and is asking for you.'"

So let Him find you as you are. Fall at His feet and tell Him all your fears and doubts. He knows already anyway.

"When Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said to him, 'Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.'"

Your tears matter to God.

"When Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who had come with her weeping, He became perturbed and deeply troubled, and said 'Where have you laid him?' They said to Him, 'Sir, come and see.'

"And Jesus wept."

Even though He knew He was about to perform a miracle, Jesus cried. Our God...wept.

He didn't hold it against Mary that in her grieving she didn't go out to meet Him. He came to her. He cried with her. And then He brought good from bad, beauty from ashes, victory over death.

I texted a girlfriend these verses yesterday because of a heavy cross she is carrying right now. She replied with "God is so good" because she had been meditating on a verse from this very chapter for the past few days!

It stirred me to share my thoughts with you. Because maybe God wants you to know this. That He's not holding it against you if you're struggling in prayer or growth because of pain or suffering in your life. He's meeting you where you are. He's coming to you, sweet friend. Take whatever steps you can to meet Him but He will close the gap. Fall at His feet. He has a beautiful plan for you but for now, He is simply holding you in His arms.

I'm praying for you.


Love,
3

Interview on Triple Braided Life

So delighted to share my heart with Brenda and her blog readers! I've been inspired and encouraged by the stories of the single women each day of this series! Check it out!

Wisdom for Wednesdays

"Every person, especially every woman, should be alone sometime during the day, some part of each week, and each year…the core, the inner spring, can best be re-found through solitude."

-Anne Morrow Lindbergh



Love,

Life

Hi guys...it's me.

You know how sometimes you take a writing break because bad things happen and you need time...time away, time alone...time to process thoughts and emotions and some days even just survive?

So you build a cocoon and retreat from the online world. You wait and you sit tight and you hope for beauty and redemption.

And then time passes and you realize you aren't just surviving anymore--things have changed but life is beautiful-- yet every time you want to write you wonder where to start...so you put it off. You have a few unfinished posts you wrote in the last couple months but never quite clicked Publish.Yet you miss those precious friends...you read their blogs...you think of them--and even pray for them.

And one day you sit down and it happens. You write. Because you want to tell them you're here. And even though you're not totally up to sharing all the details, you want to share with these dear friends. You want to tell them that we serve an incredible, amazing God who walks with us in our pain, who holds us when we cry, who sends us infinite signs of hope along the way. A God who heals more deeply and loves more fiercely than we can imagine. And because of Him, you are smiling and laughing and dancing and learning again. And writing.

This time you click Publish.

NAS: Goals for the New Year

I'm uninspired tonight, but determined to write.

(hey that rhymed...maybe I'd be better off with a poem right now!)

Happy New Year, my friends! There's nothing like the pressure of writing the first blog post of the year. Just kidding. I'm actually excited about this post. Maybe I'm not uninspired...just pensive. Reflective.

Because this post is supposed to be about my resolutions. My goals. My ideas for a fresh clean slate of a new year. (One of which is to blog more, so stay tuned!)

The NAS girls always have great topics, so I'm joining with them this week:

In what ways can you grow/stretch RIGHT NOW that could affect the whole of 2014?

Ew. As much as I appreciate personal growth, the stretching part of it is not so fun. It requires things like discipline, patience, endurance, humility. I'm rather a novice when it comes to those.

But.
I do like goals. And I love God's grace. And some days my Type A mind learns to look at the unknown as an adventure.

So bring on 2014.

And we'll make some goals to be safe.

Like in the area of food. Goal #1. (I know, so typical. But wait for it. There's a unique spiritual goal at the end of this post.) I want to improve in two aspects of this area. Budgeting my groceries and eating healthier snacks. After tonight. Because I'm really enjoying these salt and vinegar kettle chips. But vinegar is healthy. Pinterest says so.

Goal #2. Exercise. My fingers are frozen on the keyboard. What can I say for this one? I know I need it--I'm a cardiology nurse, after all. But making the time for it is just so tricky when you work full time. And when you like to sleep in the morning. (In my defense, I get up a half hour early to pray. The idea of even earlier to torture my body with a workout makes me tremble.) Getting back to the goal: three times a week. That's it. I can do this. Zumba counts. So does a long, long walk. (or maybe running...I used to love running. Before the snow and cold came.)

Goal #3. Blogging more often. I love writing. And I love connecting with you wonderful people. Being inspired and encouraged by you. So I would like to write once a week (not counting my Wednesday quotes! Unless I have to.)

Finally. The serious one. The spiritual one. Goal #4. For the past 8 years, I've made a New Year's resolution that focused on a heart quality, a virtue, I wanted to learn more about and grow in. (thankful heart, steadfast heart, joyful heart, and so on). I love having a specific word/focus for the year. Some years I've grown more than others. In keeping with the NAS question above, I have a feeling this year's goal will stretch me more than some of the others. I'm asking the Lord to help me have

an inviting heart.

I want to invite others into my heart, into my home, into the Catholic Church. I want to invite new friends and old friends into my life even when I feel busy. I want to invite people into my vulnerability. Into my messiness (including my home at times!). I want to invite people in deeper relationship with Christ. By my word. By my example. By open arms and heart and listening ears.

Welcome, 2014!

(Interested in joining the link up? Visit Jen or Morgan for more details!)

Home from Haiti

I'm home.

My heart has been broken for what breaks His.

And I know my life is changed because of it.

My heart is full. How did I have such joy, peace, and freedom when I had so little in Haiti?

My mind is full. Questions that arise and refuse to settle just yet.

And our nation. It's full, so full. Of stuff. Too much stuff. We can't see through it all.

The Haitians. Their stomachs are empty. Their homes are empty.

Their eyes are full. Sometimes of pain. Sometimes of joy.

Their churches are full.

My eyes are full. Of tears as I remember smiling with the people, laughing with them...crying with them.

My arms are empty. They ache with wanting to hold those precious babies again, those orphans, those sick children. Just one more time to hold you close and love on you and press your tiny bodies close to my heart.

My heart is so full.

My suitcases are empty. Unpacked and stored away.

But how do I unpack my heart?

Where There is Love, There is God: A Book Review

I remember being in 5th grade when she died. The same year Princess Diana died. We had our kids' issue of Time magazine and both women graced the cover.

As a young girl, the pictures of the beautiful Princess fascinated me...

Yet even then, I remember the indescribable, intriguing beauty of the other woman.

Mother Teresa.

That was fifteen years ago, but she continues to inspire me the more I learn about her life, her heart, and her overflowing love for God and others.

So when I saw this book become available for review, I jumped at the chance to read more of her beautiful yet challenging words. Her humility and simplicity sometimes mask the strength and courage of this incredible daughter of God. Yet in every picture of her I see that unmistakable grace, that light of Christ shining through her. And I want to be like that. That's the beauty I want.

Though it would be too extensive to chronicle my path to my upcoming Haiti trip, this woman has had a huge part in it. We'll be working with the same order she was a part of--the Missionaries of Charity-- and I'm deeply happy to meet them and see the same spirit of joy and love among them that exuded from her. As a Catholic, I firmly believe in the Body of Christ both here on earth and in heaven, so I asked for her prayers surrounding the trip, that all would work out for me to go if God willed it and that my heart would be open to whatever way things turned out--even if it meant humbly accepting that I could not go. Sweet friends in Heaven.

Where There is Love, There is God is a collection of letters, speeches, and teaching from Mother Teresa. As the title implies, the resounding theme is love. It all comes down to love. Not a fluffy, emotional type love, but a deep, powerful love that can only come from intimacy with God, the One who is Love.

Time and again, she exhorts us to go deeper in prayer to find joy, peace, unending love, and a heart ready to serve--not to perform or check off good deeds, but rather as an outpouring of the love we receive from the Father. This is what the secular world does not seem to see in Mother Teresa...that she not only served the poor and was a world-changer in social justice, but that her service was so deeply rooted in a relationship with Christ. As St. Paul says, our actions are nothing without Love.

Beautiful. And challenging. Sometimes the simplest things are the most difficult.

This book is a treasure. The only downside I could possibly say about it is that it takes a long time to read--simply because each paragraph is so rich and so full of thought-provoking sentiments. And yet, perhaps to path of holiness is best taken one small step at a time. To reflect on one small truth at a time and let it sink deeply into our hearts and souls. Here are a few of those small steps that I loved. (And if you like, you can read Chapter 1 here!)

'The Father loves me, He wants me, He needs me.' That kind of attitude is our trust, our joy, our conviction. Anything may come: impatience, failures, joy, but say to yourself, 'The Father loves me.'

You must be full of silence, for in the silence of the heart God speaks. An empty heart God fills.

What does it mean to be alone with Jesus? It doesn't mean to sit alone with your own thoughts. No, but even in the midst of the work and of people, you know His presence. It means that you know that He is close to you, that He loves you, that you are precious to Him, that He is in love with you.

And if my heart is pure, if in my heart is Jesus, if my heart is a tabernacle of the living God to sanctify in grace: Jesus and I are one.

[This book was provided to me at no cost in exchange for a review. These are my honest and original thoughts about the book. Thank you, WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Company!]

The Altar

They look at me with such kind eyes. They're rooting for me, they say. But I feel vulnerable. Is it okay that I'm not hiding the pain in my heart? That I let them see my uncertainty, that I don't have it all together? Is it okay to end a conversation with "I don't know?"

It weighs on me. I feel it pressing into my shoulders. It's heavy and unexpected and complicated.

Their kindness soothes me, but it doesn't change things. Their love washes over me gently, but my vision is still clouded. Their support brings me joy, but I still feel this burden.

I'm tired of surrendering. I wish it were a one-time deal.

But it's not.

"The problem with living sacrifices is that they keep crawling off the altar." -Chuck Swindoll

So I crawl back, dragging along my frustration and heartache and confusion. I look for a moment with stubbornness at the familiar altar. My emotions shift from stubbornness to weariness to resolve.

I lug my backpack of emotions to the edge and push it up onto the altar. Then I climb up after and uncurl my clenched hands.

Once again I'm here with my offering, with my very self. I look up to Him with a tear-stained face.

I surrender.

I feel Him approach. His all-powerful presence nearing my altar of sacrifice. Will He accept it once again?

But the next thing I know He's wrapping His arms around me and lifting me off the altar. I'm not sure where my burdens went and it doesn't seem to matter. I rest in His strong yet gentle embrace. Oh, Abba. Is this what surrender feels like because right now I simply feel

Held.

My Valentine's Day Story

A lot can happen from one Valentine's Day to the next.

Trust me. I know.

One year ago today I was single on Valentine's Day. And because I love the holiday, it wasn't horrible. But it wasn't great, either.

I was a few months fresh out of a breakup. The years before had been ones of confusion and pain and lots and lots of growth. Peace, joy, and hope had sprouted from the ashes and were growing stronger each day.

Valentine's Day found me driving home alone in the evening from an hour of Adoration at church with my Jesus. I was in a season of surrender. I had tried to control and plan and make things happen long enough. It was all His now. I had seen Him time and time again pick me up from the shattered pieces so gently, so lovingly. I wanted Him first in my life and I trusted Him with my future.

But my heart still ached with its broken dreams.

A Kutless song came on the radio as I drove through the quiet black night with my passenger seat empty but my heart full.

My favorite band was singing:

When the path is daunting
And every step exhausting
I'm not alone.

And I knew it was true. Every fiber of my being felt this truth and rested in it. Though I was tired and struggled on this path, I was not alone.

I feel you draw me closer
All these burdens on my shoulder
I'm not alone, I'm not alone
You pull me me from this place.

Yes. Yes. He knew the burdens of my past, my heart, my life in this season. But still He pulled me close to Him, to His heart beating with an overwhelming, inexhaustible love for me.

The music swelled and the lead vocalist burst out in praise at this God who draws us to Him,

Hallelujah,

He sang. And my heart was swelling with the music and tears coursed down my cheeks as I praised God with him.

You carry me every day
You carry me all all the way
Hallelujah...You carry me to the cross

Ah, this song was the song of my heart. This was beauty and grace. How could I feel such joy and reassurance and love in the midst of brokenness? Only God can do that. We may carry broken dreams or unfulfilled desires or mental, physical, emotional, even spiritual burdens...but He carries us. And He walks beside us so we are never, ever alone. He carries us to His cross and shows us real love that gave everything for us. For me. For you.

One week after that night I would go on a retreat with the man I would fall deeply in love with.

Nine months later he would break up with me as tears rolled down his face.

Eleven months later he would call me, and we would talk, and we would step cautiously back into this relationship after a few weeks. He would continue to treat me with such kindness and love and respect, that I would fall deeply in love with him once again.

And one year later, he would take me out to dinner on Valentine's Day.

A lot can happen from one Valentine's Day to the next. Trust me. Better yet, trust Him.