"Perfect love casts out fear." -1 John 4:18
My progesterone level plummeted last week, a hormone that should normally rise in pregnancy.
But our little one continues to dance around beneath my heart and I'm taking one for the team with two injections a week to help my levels rise.
So many tears and so many fears that day. I was frustrated and exhausted by the hope/fear cycle of pregnancy after loss. It feels like each time my heart begins to soar with unfettered joy for the life within, something happens to jolt me back to reality that a happy ending isn't always certain. I had just started to feel the amazing kicks of our baby and rejoice in the beauty of connecting with the unique child inside me by his or her sweet movements...then a few days later my body fails to protect that child.
I've been reflecting on the experience and the Lord is showing me a powerful, challenging truth.
We are called to love fearlessly in this life.
Everything is uncertain. We are not in control-- which can be both terrifying and comforting at different times! But what we can do is choose to love no matter what comes, even if it be loss or lack.
Fear can hold us back from experiencing true love and the abundant life Jesus offers us (John 10:10). When we fear, we hesitate. We hold back. We don't want to get attached or fully invested. But by doing so, we're missing out on freedom. Fear cripples us. It binds us from love without limits.
When we love without fear of rejection or loss, when we allow our love to conquer fear of the unknown or the unwanted, we experience the truest freedom and fullest love. We let go of the chains and we now can know boundless love...which leads to deep joy and peace.
That means talking to my sweet baby (he/she can hear now!) and relishing these moments of communion, even if Jesus takes our little one to heaven sooner than I would want.
It means sharing my deepest self with my husband--physically, emotionally, mentally-- without fearing he'll love me less or find me inadequate.
It means diving deeper into my relationships with family and friends instead of fearing losing them to distance, changing circumstances, or even death.
It means tithing, giving, and sharing with others instead of looking ahead and fearing financially as we add another person to our family.
It means sharing the truths of my God and my Faith with a friend without fearing she'll make fun of me or misunderstand.
It means throwing myself into my Heavenly Father's arms when I make mistakes, commit sin, or just feel like I'm not living up to my potential, trusting that He will never reject me and is always ready with mercy and grace to start fresh.
In what areas of your life is fear holding you back from love? How can you cast out fear by loving more fully, more freely?
Laura, this is a beautiful reflection. I think it is so easy in pregnancy to hold onto fear, doubts, and uncertainties, because we don't know what will happen at any given point. But, God desires us to live in His perfect peace and love. I like how you tie this into marriage, too-I've noticed that when I hold back something from my husband out of fear, it's straining, and adds a tension that doesn't need to be there. But when I selflessly and openly give and share all of myself, our intimacy, peace, and love deepen.
ReplyDeleteYes! Fear creeps in to so many areas of our lives but it seems especially with marriage/children/other relationships. The devil is often the source of fear because he doesn't want us to experience Christ's amazing, boundless love.
DeleteKeeping you and your sweet dancing baby in my prayers! I can only imagine that this would be terrifying, especially after knowing the pain of losing Ignatius. You are already such a good mom taking one for the team and doing what is best for baby! Not sure if you follow her, but Hallie Lord has a blog series (and upcoming book!) about fear: http://hallielord.com/category/all-posts/ I've found her series really thought provoking.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much to worry about in life. But it's funny how giving up our perfect ideas and control is when we are given the most perfectly planned life imagined for us. God has a plan, even if it's totally different than ours. Which REALLY stinks sometimes. Learning to trust is (I think) one of the hardest things ever. But it's also the most peace-giving. Will continue to keep you in my prayers.
Totally agree about the "peace-giving" aspect of learning to trust and let go of fear. It seems counter intuitive that we would feel peace when we're not in control, but that's grace! :)
DeleteThank you for the continued faithful prayers!
And for the recommendation on Hallie's series!
What a beautiful, vulnerable post <3 I can't imagine the fear and worry of pregnancy, but I know Jesus is watching over you. Entrusting you and baby into Mother Mary's mantle of grace in prayer. Xo!
ReplyDeleteThank you, dear friend!! <3
DeleteI can so relate to this post, Laura! The ups and downs of pregnancy can literally make us feel like we are on an emotional roller coaster. When I was pregnant with my first girl, I had placenta previa, which caused me to have to be on bedrest. It took a lot of prayer and laying things down to not be full of fear. The pregnancy turned out fine and the baby was perfectly healthy. Praying and believing that God is protecting that sweet baby in your womb. And that the rest of your pregnancy will be peaceful! Linking up with you at Tuesday Talk.
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful! Thank you for relating and sharing your story! It's great to meet you! So glad things turned out well for you, I will keep praying and trusting!
DeleteAw, praying for your sweet babe! Pregnancy can be scary at times. Thank you for sharing your heart.
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