Grieving Together: A Wonderful New Resource on Miscarriage

There's something about the fall that makes me turn inward and reflect. Perhaps it's the falling leaves, the closing of the year, that makes us think more of eternity and the closing of this life, this world, someday. Perhaps it's the closing of the Church year, the feast days like All Saints and All Souls, that make us think of our loved ones on the other side.

Regardless, this can be a painful time of year for those who have lost a loved one, even if it's been years since the loss. While a lifetime of memories with someone still doesn't feel like enough after they're gone...there's a unique suffering of the loss of someone who didn't get to live any "years" at all-- the loss of child in miscarriage or stillbirth. Even now as I keep up with a busy toddler and crawling infant, my heart still achingly remembers my first little one that I held for such a short time. Once you have a child in heaven, it changes your family on earth forever.

Laura Kelly Fanucci is one of my favorite writers on this topic, although I'm sure she never wished to be an experienced writer of it. She and her husband have experienced infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss of their twin daughters. She writes beautiful, powerful reflections on her blog and I loved her book Everyday Sacrament on the daily graces and struggles of motherhood. When I heard she and her husband Franco were co-authoring a new book on miscarriage for couples, I knew it would be an incredible resource.

Grieving Together: A Couple's Journey Through Miscarriage fills such a great need in parishes and families when it comes to miscarriage. Men and women, and even just different personalities in general, grieve and heal so differently. It's a gift to have a 'manual' of sorts for a couple to journey through their grieving together yet individually. They can read the stories of others who have gone before them, seeing that they're not alone and affirming their grief in a society that cares so little for the unborn and too often ignores the reality of miscarriage.

Because they've been through it, this book is so thorough and contains so many gems that grieving parents will find helpful such as dealing with well-meaning but hurtful comments, the Church's teaching on miscarriage and babies' souls, saints and prayers for miscarriage, ways to remember and honor your child. There are even Appendices with many practical resources, websites, books, and Catholic rites.

Through reading this book, it has not only been helpful for me as a parent of a miscarried child, but it has also inspired me to discuss with my parish about beginning a Miscarriage Ministry, even if it be as small as a care package for families who have miscarried with a handwritten note of condolence and this book. Because my husband is the director for pro-life ministry in our diocese, I'm also going to discuss with him how we can incorporate this book into our diocesan ministry for miscarriage.

If you yourself have experienced a loss or if you know a couple who has (and believe me, you do), the book is available starting today! You can get it from Our Sunday Visitor (free shipping), Amazon, or Barnes and Noble.

Some additional freebies (!) you might be interested in are:

-A free e-book from Our Sunday visitor with excerpts from the Fanuccis How to Support Parents Who Have Lost a Child

-A free webinar with the Fanuccis that tells more about the book, their story, and how we can all support grieving parents.

I'm so grateful that in the past several years there's been more discussion on miscarriage and more resources for those grieving and for those who wish to comfort them. Many more women are sharing their experiences, several organizations are offering support and memory gifts., and now this wonderful book is giving parents a friend and mentor relationship with Franco and Laura as they walk (and sometimes wade) through the grief together. I truly believe this book will be a blessing to so many people. Please share it with your friends and family and parishes!

Safe in His Arms

I cried at the county fair tonight. And then laughed at my silly tears. Hormones, I said as I shrugged to my husband and shifted the sleeping infant in a carrier on my chest. We were watching the Terror of Vikings ride-- that huge long boat that goes back and forth like a giant glider swing. When I was a kid, it was called the Banana Boat. Terror of Vikings sounds much cooler and more fitting. But I digress. On the very tip of the boat, the part that goes the highest, sat a young boy and his dad. The boy's face held a mix of fear and excitement as the swing went higher and higher. The dad's arm was draped around the boy and held his son tighter each giant swing back and forth, a gentle smile on his face as he enjoyed the ride with his son. The boy began to relax and laugh with delight despite (or because of?) the height and speed of the ride.

And that's when the tears came. There was something so incredibly beautiful about seeing the peace and security that come from a loving, protective father. It was a small moment that spoke of a larger truth. In a world of absent or dysfunctional fatherhood, seeing this sweet cameo of true fatherly love and protection, seeing the confidence and joy it brought to the son, made my heart swell with how good and right the picture was.

It was also a glimpse of the great love our Heavenly Father has for us. This all-powerful Father who allows us on the ups and downs of life because He's right there beside us. He holds us tightly and wants us to trust Him and His protection. Only through leaning on Him can we truly begin to relax and see the view.

His arm is around you and holds you safely. Open your eyes, throw up your hands, and enjoy the ride.

Loved for Who We Are

Teacher's pet. Straight-A student. Valedictorian. Commencement speaker. I was all of them and more growing up...from wowing my kindergarten teacher with handwritten stories to shaking hands with the dean of nursing at my college as she offered me a future job. I'm grateful for these opportunities and accomplishments, but there's a dark side to them.

I grew up addicted to achievement. I craved success, perfectionism, and the resulting praise. I unknowingly became a believer in performance-based acceptance.

When I became a young adult post college, life wasn't quite so simple. You could work hard, research and study incessantly, do all the right things...but success didn't always happen. Life got messy. In a span of a year, I had a broken engagement, a diagnosis that could cause infertility, and had moved out on my own as a result of (what felt like) my parents selling my childhood home out from under me.

I was broken. I didn't understand how all of this could have happened to me when I was doing everything right. That season of life was one of the most painful and one of the most growth...but isn't that the way life goes? I learned so much about the false but deep roots of performance-based acceptance. Feeling broken was the best thing that ever happened to me because all of a sudden I really needed God. And needed grace. I was letting go of the perfect and finding peace. I was seeing my imperfections, my messiness, my lack of control, and my inability to orchestrate life. But I was also experiencing deep mercy, joyful freedom, and powerful unconditional love.

I learned that God loved me for who I was, not what I did.

Fast forward a few years or ten. I fall in love again. I get married. We buy a house. All good gifts from above. I'm grateful. We're surrounded by a large faithful community. Life is good. God is good.

But then we have a miscarriage. More diagnoses and treatment. We go on to have two more beautiful (and living) children. Life happens. The house breaks down. Sometimes the marriage breaks down. Daily life is hard and mundane. Motherhood is hard and taxes me physically, emotionally, mentally. Is life still good? Is God still good? Does God still love me when I'm selfish and whiny and ungrateful for my blessings? Yes, yes He does. You learned this years ago, remember?

But maybe the bigger question is do I still love God?

In the hard moments, I wonder why He doesn't fix things that are broken, heal things that are wounded, give things that are desired, take away things that are unwanted. I don't want to love Him until He does.

And then I realize I only learned part of the lesson ten years before.

In the deep parts of my soul, I realize that perhaps I've learned that God loves me for who I am and not what I do...but that I haven't learned to love Him for who He is instead of what He does (or does not).

If my relationship with Him is merely about the things I want fixed, healed, given, and taken...then my relationship with Him is performance-based acceptance. The very thing I tried so hard to get away from.

He is always good. He is always giver. He is always grace. He deserves every part of my heart and every ounce of my love and more-- simply for who He is. Goodness itself. Love itself. When I focus on who He is, there is no need to focus on what He does or does not. He is enough. His love is enough. And then life is enough once again.

Life is beautiful again.

2017 in 12 Photos [Link-Up]

So even though we're still in the midst of the Christmas Octave and liturgical season, and I'm doing my best to stay in a celebratory and relaxed mood this week, there is definitely part of me that's so ready to start my New Year with lots of cleaning out, organization, and nesting for this little one!

But since we're not yet to the New Year, I think it's good for me to take some time today to reflect on this past year...the blessings, the challenges, the growth. To remember the past before looking ahead.

So without further ado, I'm joining Bobbi's link-up at Revolution of Love. Here's a little of what our year looked like:

January

I resigned from my position to start staying home full-time with this girl. So bittersweet
to leave my work family and a job I loved, but so peaceful to be intentional in my motherhood and follow what
I believed God was calling me to.

February

We had some crazy warm weather in February and took lots of walks and even played basketball!
G developed a scary side effect after one of her vaccines and it took many doctor visits and tests and treatment to overcome it. Definitely a rough month for us, but the sunshine helped!

March

I bought donut baking pans and decided this was the coolest thing ever. They have since been brought to many family/holiday gatherings and are fast becoming a fun tradition!

April

Lots of warm weather and realizing I could effectively hike and let the baby nap on me at the same time. I enjoyed exploring new metroparks with friends!

May

I began developing a deeper friendship with one of my neighbors (and baby G with her kids ;) ). C has been such a blessing in my life, with her heart for God and her passion for Christian marriage and motherhood. And the best part? We live a couple streets apart and can meet in the middle at the park. :)

June

These lovely flower baskets were such a triumph for me! I got them on clearance when they were scraggly and was able to nurse them back to health and beauty! We finally started transitioning G to the crib for naps instead of wearing her and I had more time to sit on the porch and enjoy the gorgeous weather and flowers!

July

A month of many "firsts"-- swimming, blueberry picking, picnics, traveling,
and HER FIRST BIRTHDAY! This was probably my favorite summer month, filled with family and friends and fun memories (except for our transition from cosleeping to crib).

August

We found out that G was going to be a big sister! We were immediately thrilled...she took a little longer to adjust. ;) 

September

I do love fall in the Midwest...we enjoyed bonfires, an apple orchard, decorating, picking out pumpkins, and more.

October

I started crocheting again and made these washcloths to go with some homemade soap for Christmas presents! I'm still going strong and have learned some new techniques as well! I added ear warmers and infinity scarves to my collection and hope to start a baby blanket soon!

November

We took an EPIC mini vacation to Amish country and brought along P's mom "Nana". You wouldn't think a vacay to Amish country would be epic, but it was!! We enjoyed swimming in our hotel pool, shopping, amazing Amish food, touring an Amish chocolate factory, and finally a huge Amish 'farm' that included giraffes, zebras, and buffalo that roamed free and CAME UP TO OUR CAR for food!! My husband fed a zebra, y'all, and we will never be the same. ;)

December

This isn't the best lighting, but this picture means so much to me. A movie night with the husband watching "It's a Wonderful Life." We got interrupted by a sick toddler who couldn't sleep, but even that just added to the reality that we have a wonderful life. We love and are loved. The mantle holds some greenery and the many Christmas cards we received from family and friends far and near. The three stockings are for our three babies-- one in heaven, one on earth, and one in the womb. Our hearts are so full. 

(Bonus)

My sweet neighbor captured this one. We ended up not using it for Christmas cards because the lighting was too bright, but G's expression is priceless!

I couldn't resist adding this one of little G at the manger in church on Christmas...a family tradition that started when I was a child myself. 

It's been a beautiful year. I've entered more fully into motherhood and found a more comfortable, peaceful place with it. I'm less concerned if I'm doing it 'right' and more concerned if I'm giving it my heart. I'm less concerned if she's meeting her milestones and more concerned if I'm mirroring God's love to her. Our community of church and friends has grown and deepened this year and I'm incredibly grateful for them, especially since we do not live near family. Yet I'm also so thankful for the many visits we had from and with family, the traditions and memories we've started and made. Life became simpler, smaller, and richer this year. I suspect next year will challenge me as we add our little babe to this side of the womb but I pray that the grace and growth I've received this year will help me rise to the occasion. Thank you, Father, for all these good gifts.

My Fertility Story [NFP Awareness Week]

If you've been following me long enough in this little corner of the web, you know a few personal things about me in the "ladies-only" department.

I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).

I've had major surgery for it.

I've had a miscarriage.

I've had some fertility struggles.

I had a medically rough pregnancy for my daughter.

But what you may not know, and what I'd really like to share, is how deeply grateful I am for the part NFP has played in my story. It's NFP Awareness Week, so it's a perfect time to open my heart and these chapters of my life to you.

Ten years ago I was on a hormonal birth control pill to treat a few symptoms I was having in my early twenties. I was somewhat ignorant and accepted the prescription my nurse practitioner gave me, even though she did no testing of my hormones, etc, but simply made a guess and gave me one of the most popular "women's health" prescriptions out there-- hormonal birth control. Why we heap mega doses of synthetic estrogen into women's systems without even testing their estrogen levels and call it healthcare, I'll never know. But I was swept into the current and took my pills faithfully for six months.

Until someone mentioned the Creighton model of NFP and Naprotechnology-- a medical branch of Natural Family Planning based on science but also very faith-friendly. This person suggested that maybe the birth control pills were simply covering up my symptoms without getting to the root of my problem. 

I made an appointment with a Naprotechnology doctor, learned the method of charting, and was thoroughly evaluated with labwork, testing, and in-depth evaluation of my chart. As a nurse, I was SO impressed. As a female patient, I felt empowered and dignified with learning more about my unique body's cycle-- and it's abnormalities.

Long story short, I was diagnosed with PCOS, had major surgery for it by a Naprotechnology surgeon, and continued to use Creighton and Napro through the years for my health. Though the surgery greatly improved my health and fertility, nothing quite cures PCOS so we knew there might be some residual effects.

When I got married, we conceived quickly but miscarried our precious child just as quickly. Off to the Napro doctor we went, and he was SO compassionate and competent with my care. The 'regular' OB world doesn't test you for anything until you've had 2-3 miscarriages consecutively. If you've ever had a miscarriage, you know that this would be pure torture to simply 'allow' 1 or 2 more to happen before getting tested. Our Napro doctor acknowledged that we had lost a child and that he would test us right away because who wants to lose more children if you can prevent it??

I was then found to have low progesterone and a funky genetic issue called MTHFR-- both put you highly at risk for miscarriage but are actually easily treatable once you know. With our sweet G, I was on medications for both even before we conceived her to give her the best chance of sticking around this side of heaven. :) I was also on progesterone throughout my pregnancy and monitored frequently. While it was challenging, it was all SO worth it to carry and deliver our healthy baby girl.

Honestly, I don't think I would have her if it would not for God's grace guiding us to Naprotechnology and the Creighton model of NFP.

We continue to use NFP each month, discerning whether God is calling us to postpone or avoid a pregnancy or to be open to it. It's beautiful. And it's hard. Yes, it would be easier to take birth control have a greater sense of control over my body. But did you know  hormonal birth control can actually cause an early abortion? Sure, it might be simpler to use a condom rather than "risk" a pregnancy when we don't feel ready for it, or to have to avoid sex that day if we truly aren't in a good place for a pregnancy.

But we took vows on our wedding day to give ourselves to each other freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully. And that includes in sex. Freely without reserve. Totally without stamping out our body's natural signs and abilities to be fertile. Faithfully and according to the Catholic Church's teaching. And fruitfully, knowing that to bear fruit of our love is a beautiful thing even when it's hard.

I'm always very open about our journey-- both with fertility struggles and with the reality of using NFP as a married couple. If you have questions or thoughts, feel free to email me!

Happy NFP week!

Afraid to Love

(Originally written March 2016)

What's the greatest thing that holds you back from experiencing true love?

A deep, dark sin? 

A busy schedule?

A spell from a poisonous apple given to you by a Disney movie witch?

Though it could be (almost) any of those, I'm going to guess none of those are actually the greatest stumbling block to love for you and for me. 

You know what is, though?

Fear. 

Throughout my life, I've seen fear hold me back time and again from loving fully, loving freely, and loving...well...fearlessly. 

My husband and I were privileged to hear Matt Hammitt (former lead singer of Sanctus Real) speak at my workplace fundraiser this past week. We were both powerfully impacted by the story of his son Bowen, who was diagnosed with a rare heart defect at 20 weeks in the womb. Matt and his wife, though advised to abort little Bowen and end his life, chose life and continued with their pregnancy. Little Bowen had open heart surgery at just 4 days after birth and the recovery included an episode when Bowen's tiny heart stopped beating-- a doctor did compressions on his bare heart in his open chest while Matt and his wife cried and prayed and held on to the blue toes of their beloved son. 

But God has plans for Bowen. And we saw the adorable five-year-old this past week as he helped his dad sing a song on stage that was written around the time of Bowen's birth. 

Matt shared with us that he struggled to become attached to Bowen after that tragic prenatal diagnosis. The pregnancy became a time of fear and uncertainty and even detachment. As his song states, Matt was "afraid to love something that could break." Yet God continued to move in his heart and mind and showed him that he could love Bowen in the way God loves us-- with all that was in him. Without reserve. Without condition. Without fear. Yes, there might be sadness or struggle or even loss, but freely and fearlessly loving-- being all in-- was worth it. He learned to "trade the fear of all that I could lose for every moment I share with you." ("All of Me," Matt Hammitt)

My husband and I had tears as we listened to his powerful testimony and our little one kicked inside my own belly. Though our baby had a healthy heart at 20 weeks, this pregnancy has been rocky with bad blood level results and our own fears due to our previous miscarriage. We have struggled with detachment at times and being afraid to love this precious child too much in case we lose this one, too. 

But God continues to work in our hearts and we, too, are learning what it looks like to love freely, fully, and fearlessly. Despite lab results or increased medications, we are learning to rejoice in every moment we spend with this incredible gift from God growing inside me. 

Fear creeps in to every relationship and circumstances because the devil is always trying to keep us from experiencing the rich love of the Father and the love He desires us to have with each other. Where might fear be holding you back?

Are you sharing your deepest self with your spouse--physically, emotionally, mentally-- or are you holding back because you're afraid of feeling inadequate or unloved?

Are you diving deeper into your relationships with family and friends, or are you afraid of losing them to distance, disagreements, or even death?

Are you tithing, giving, and sharing with others or are you afraid of financial insecurity?

Are you sharing God's truths with other or do you fear misunderstanding or being made fun of?

And here's the biggest one: is fear holding you back from throwing yourself into your Heavenly Father's arms? Whether you're afraid of your mistakes and sins or you just feel ashamed for not living up to your potential, know that He will never reject you and is always ready with open arms, abundant mercy, and the grace to start fresh. He loves you with all that He is, and wants to teach you to do the same. 

Let's experience that freeing love together this week. God is an expert at breaking the chains of fear. All we need do is ask. 

What I've Learned About Motherhood

The bad news: You are not in control.

The good news: God is in control, and He loves your children even more than you do-- and He loves you, too.

The end.

Haha! I was going to make this a long post and as I sat down to write, I felt like these two 'news pieces' just summed it all up! ;)

Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas-- including the spiritual ones, the grieving ones, the yet-to-be ones, the lonely ones, the perfect ones. Oh wait, not the last one. There's no such thing. ;)

Thank you, Jesus, for this precious gift of motherhood, for my child in heaven and my daughter on earth. May I become more and more like you through it and lead my children to you.

Happy Easter!

Easter blessings to you from our family! May the Risen Lord give us hope this season as we remember and celebrate that HE can overcome anything in our lives holding us back from the joy and peace He wants us to experience!** 

**My husband took a walk with the dog last night and wished a neighbor man a 'happy Easter.' The man grunted and said 'just another day.' It hurts my heart to think of those hurting on holidays-- the poor, the lonely, the singles (I remember, girls!), the childless...and honestly, each one of us has our brokenness that surfaces during the holidays. Even now, the hubby and I argue, or family gatherings aren't perfect, etc. etc. But let's all remember no matter what we're struggling with, that Easter is never just 'another day.' It is truly the reason for our hope-- that Christ died to give us new and eternal life, and that He overcame the grave and every darkness we may ever experience. Seek the Light this Easter season. The darkness cannot overcome it. Lots of love to each of you. Thanks for reading and being my friend.

Martha, Mary...and Judas

A few sentences in to the Gospel (John chapter 12), I could recognize the story. The one about the dinner with the Apostles where Mary poured the costly perfumed oil on Jesus' feet to show her love for Him. Judas got upset and Jesus rebuked him and praised Mary's act of worship. I read on. Part of me grimaced at the sentence about Martha-- Martha was serving the meal. Always serving and working and doing while Mary sat. Although this wasn't the passage about Martha being too busy, so this time likely she was serving out of love for Jesus.

I usually identify with Martha. I tend to be a do-er, a worker, a list maker, and I feel accomplished by hustling and bustling and getting things done. While I enjoy rest and refreshment and every once in awhile identify with Mary and simply sitting at the Savior's feet, my first inclination is to do. But as I further read the passage with Mary and Martha, I realized that sometimes...I'm neither of them.

I'm Judas.

Mary was sitting at Jesus feet, listening and repenting and loving.

Martha was serving Jesus with love, likely listening to His wisdom with an open ear and heart from the kitchen.

But Judas? Though he was a follower of Jesus, Judas was focused on himself and his own well-being. He tried to be in control. He was upset at things Jesus allowed, like the waste of the costly oil. He was greedy. He didn't trust Jesus for his future but instead took things into his own hands.

Ouch.

I've done all those things. All while proclaiming to follow Jesus. What a painful realization. But you know what? Jesus loved Judas too. He met him in the garden of Gethsemane with a kiss, even though Jesus knew that Judas was about to betray Him. What love, what mercy. 

We all have our Judas moments. But we also have our Mary and Martha moments. By His grace, may we be true followers of Jesus who not only sit at the table with Him, but truly listen and serve and love Him with all that we are and all that we have.

When You Feel Unholy [During Holy Week]

Thanks to Sweet Little Ones for my Lenten printable!

It seems to happen every year around this time. The holiest week of the year is here and I'm feeling quite the opposite.

The good stuff first: it's been an overall good Lent with fasting from social media (minus the times I cheated...). I've kept in tune with liturgical living more than usual and have had simple decorations even when the first day of Spring presented itself. I've held off putting out the bird feeder, wind chimes, fresh flowers, and such things simply to make Easter even more celebratory. My days have been quieter and more contemplative for the most part.

But.

I have gotten into a nasty habit of negativity. I'm sure I can think of lots of excuses (postpartum hormones? PCOS? lack of affirmation? long winter?), but no real reasons for it. The sad truth is I have simply focused more on the difficulties in this current season and vocation than the blessings of it. I sigh and eye roll and grumble way more than I want to admit. I shuffle around with a slave mentality instead of a servant-heart. Even my husband has noticed. (Or maybe if I'm being honest, I'm even moreso that way around him so he knows "how hard" my days are...). It's embarrassing and I'm ashamed of it.

Even God has gently corrected me a few times. I've learned from our book club last year to zero in when God speaks twice-- usually a verse or phrase or topic that comes up more than once in a personal way. In the span of a few hours, I had TWO Bible verses/themes repeated on the radio and in books I was reading: To "rejoice in the Lord always" and "when you seek Me with all your heart, I will be found by you." I knew God was reminding me He is the reason for joy and the only way we can have steadfast, constant joy. He was also encouraging me to seek Him in my days and to find Him in my family, but not halfheartedly.

I improved for awhile but soon fell back into my negative slump. Which is where you find me today, on the Monday of Holy Week. Feeling very unholy.

But you know what? Maybe it's not a bad thing to feel this way at the beginning of Holy Week. Maybe that's exactly where I need to be on this Monday before the Triduum. Because this is the starting place of remembering how much I need a Savior. This is the posture of repentance where I can receive mercy and grace. This is where I can focus on Christ on the Cross and learn better how to carry my own cross and to lay down my life in this season. And this is where I prepare for joy, true joy, the joy that comes from knowing that yes, I am unholy, but there is a Holy One who died for me and rose from the grave. My unholiness doesn't faze him. He is at work in me, always working on a resurrection for the dead, sinful places within me.

If you are feeling in a dark place this Monday, take heart! Enter into each moment of this week knowing that Christ too walked through darkness so that we would know redemption. Walk with Him carrying the cross and sit at His feet while He hangs there with love for you, just as you are. Know that He is stronger than any sin or struggle in your life. In the end, the Son will rise, the Light will shine forth, and that is reason for us to rejoice!

Connected: Halfway Through Lent

So I don't actually know if we're halfway through Lent, but I'm thinking we're several weeks in and
we're still several weeks away from Easter.

One of my fasts (who am I kidding? Pretty much my only fast ;) ) was from social media. It's been such an interesting time. On one hand, I find myself with more mental space and energy and just time in general. I like feeling more in the present moment instead of feeling 'caught' with my phone in hand when my husband or daughter are around. I like feeling more available in the here and now. I just feel more free and relaxed and focused in the moment, which is beautiful and makes me contemplate and question how much of social media I want to allow back into my life when Easter comes.

But there's something unexpected that I realize I'm missing lately.

Connection.

Not the connection of knowing who's doing what and when. Not the nosy scrolling on Facebook. Not the competitive scrolling on Pinterest to stay connected to what's in and what's out. Not even the connection to giveaways on Instagram (um...actually I take that back. I'm a sucker for giveaways.)

But I'm missing the relational connection, connection with other women friends. The community that's found through social media. With staying at home full-time, it's encouraging to see other friends, moms, and just women in general living life and the little moments they're cherishing. I often felt refreshed and rejuvenated by those connections.

So what's a girl to do? Do I conclude that the benefits of social media outweigh the negatives?

Maybe. But Lent is not over so I'm not ready for conclusions. There are a few lessons I feel the Lord is teaching me...and it's not quite about the benefits of social media.

I'm learning we all need connection. Especially women. We live so isolated today compared to how families and villages used to live in community. This can feel especially lonely in the child-raising years when it's a little harder to get out of the house (though the single years can feel really isolated too!). So we turn toward social media-- facebook groups, instagram friends, etc. And while this can be good, it can't replace the "IRL" relationships...the real, face-to-face, in-the-flesh friendships that we're meant to cultivate. So I'm allowing this time of missing my online connections to nudge me to seek out real-life ones. I'm taking walks with my neighbor, texting friends when I need encouragement, inviting friends to visit even when my house is messy.

Honestly, it takes some motivation to reach out and connect in real life. It's so much easier to click on an app when I need connection and sign out when I'm 'filled'. But that's not the tidy, selfish way relationships are meant to be. They're meant to be a little inconvenient. They're meant to draw us out of ourselves and make us a little uncomfortable. That's what it takes to learn to be real and to grow...and we can't do that online no matter how much we preach authenticity in our profiles and bios. We're still editing and concealing and subconsciously choosing what we present. We're missing out on the raw beauty of an up-close-and-personal, messy-hair-day, don't-have-it-all-together-but-I'm-here kind of friendship.

I'm also learning that when we crave connection...it might just go a little deeper than even real-life relationships. At our very core, we desire friendship with God. And even more, He desires that with us. Have you ever heard the saying, "Loneliness is God's cry for intimacy and friendship time with you."? The beauty and vulnerability in that gets me every time. We're so quick to fill our loneliness with social media or friends or spouses or even kids. I know my greater instinct when I'm lonely is to call my mom or sister, or spend time with my husband or girlfriends. But this Lent I'm trying to make my first instinct to be to seek out the Lord, my greatest Friend. He is the only one who can ever truly fill my aches and desires and needs, so why not go to Him first? I want intimacy and friendship and connection with Him...and knowing He wants that with me is all the more inviting.

Join me these next few weeks to pause when we're feeling lonely or craving connection? Let's seek God first and spend time with Him, and then ask Him what relationships around us in real life we can cultivate to grow the abundant grace of rich and lasting friendships. He's the perfect Friend, and growing in friendship with Him will teach and guide us to be better friends to those around us.

These Days

Other than book reviews, I'm not blogging much these days. I'm thinking a lot, but my fingers stall on the keys.

Not much is happening, yet so much is happening. I told my mama-friend the other day how odd it is when someone asks how I've been. To the outside eye, every day is simply the same-- staying at home with my daughter, the diapers and food and naps and such. Yet every day feels like a roller coaster internally with all the physical, mental and emotional energy the day commands. Especially the emotional. No one told me that motherhood would take me to the end of myself and mirror back to me not only the best of myself and my strength, but also the ugly parts and the weakness.

But there's this nagging fear that maybe I'm the only one who thinks this is hard. Maybe she has family that lives nearby to help. Maybe her husband has different work hours. Maybe my perfectionist personality brings on my own hardships. Maybe it's just me.

Then there's this nagging guilt that this is everything I've ever dreamed of, this life of home and hearth and husband and babies. Guilt for the friends' who want this so desperately. The friends whose left fingers are empty of a ring, or whose wombs are empty of a heartbeat. I know. I remember. So I feel guilty when having those things now feels hard. 

Sure, there are the days when music is playing and dinner is cooking and the baby is smiling and my soul is soaring. There can be nothing greater than this, I think, my heart fairly bursting with gratitude and joy in this season of my life. My husband is romantic and charming, my baby is gorgeous and endearing, myself productive and accomplished and enjoying a good hair day (ha! rarely for that last one!). The sun shines and I cannot think of a better way to spend my life.

This swinging of the pendulum drives me crazy. Why am I so fickle? Why cannot I not be steadfast in the mountains and the valleys? Why cannot I not remember the joys in the hard times? Why cannot I see the grace in the the distasteful moments? Why cannot I not "count it all joy" (James 1:2)?

We're coming out of a week of teething, tummy bugs, respiratory bugs, and freezing temperatures and snow. I'd like to say I handled it all with saintly wisdom and grace and patience, but instead I feel bedraggled and, well, dragged through it. The lack of sleep and the constant body fluids wore me down.

But there's the tiniest light inside me that says all is not hopeless within me. That even though I don't like what I see in myself, God sees more. That even though I might have trudged more than I danced through it, I still did it. I showed up and offered up and begged for grace. I saw the places where I need His healing and molding and cleansing. Isn't that what Lent is all about? Perhaps this is all the point. God is at work, but it is a process. And for someone like me, that's difficult. I want so badly to "do things right" from the start but God simply wants me to do them and give them to Him, letting go of the outcome....and maybe sometimes not even to do, but just be.

My delusion is often that since motherhood is my vocation, I must do it well (and dare I say perfect?) all of the time and from the very beginning. Yet I forget that because motherhood is my vocation, God is going to use it to make me into the woman He desires and created me to be-- which will not happen instantly but rather over a lifetime. And wouldn't it make sense that the very vocation that will shine light on the dark and broken places for healing to occur will be a little messy (or a lot!) at times? I know when I'm cleaning out a closet, it gets messier before it gets cleaner!

I'm broken, friends. And that's hard. But it's also hopeful! We serve a God who mends the broken places and makes beautiful mosaics from them...and then shines through them.

"We're all broken...that's how the light gets in." -Ernest Hemingway

Maybe it's time I start focusing on the Light instead of the broken.

Come, Lord Jesus, Light of the World, and shine through us this day, even and especially through the broken places.

On the Bookshelf

Since we've been snowed in (after all that gorgeous spring weather!! boo!) and little G. has not only been teething but also caught a small tummy bug and a big respiratory bug...needless to say, we've been home, indoors, and I've been reading a lot during snuggles and naps. Here are three that have been in our stack: one on marriage, one on motherhood, and one for little ones.



Your Marriage Masterpiece: Transform Your Relationship Through God's Amazing Design, by Al Janssen

This was a good book but not a great book for me. I fluctuated in my opinion through it actually. Some chapters I would be engrossed and think "YES! The world needs to read this!" and other chapters I would skim and feel like I've read similar things before. (Maybe I need to spend more time focusing on my marriage itself instead of reading books about it-- haha ;) ). A few things I liked: the book is a companion resource to The Family Project DVD by Focus on the Family. My husband and I LOVE that course/project, particularly the movie Irreplaceable (about the necessary connections of love/sex/marriage/children and how disconnecting those has broken down the family). I appreciate how much FotF has done and continues to do to promote healthy marriages and families. This book is definitely included in that effort. I liked the real-life stories of marriage. I liked the study guide included. I even liked the Biblical imagination narratives woven throughout, showing us how we are to mirror God's "marriage" to us in our marriages (very Catholic). I did not care for: some of the Biblical narratives were cheesy or took too much artistic liberty for my taste. I felt that the flow of the book was somewhat slow and didn't keep my attention. Overall, a good book on marriage but not one of the top five on that subject that I would recommend to someone.

[Thank you to Bethany House publishers for my complimentary review copy. This contains my honest and original thoughts on the book.]



Long Days of Small Things: Motherhood as a Spiritual Discipline, by Catherine McNiel

I did not expect to like this book as much as I am! I'm not sure exactly what I expected, but so far it's exceeding that! What a beautiful, inspiring, and even gently convicting book! Ann Voskamp has a review quote on the cover of this book and I can see why-- it has something of the mystic/poetic prose style that she uses when she writes. This book goes deep into the soul of motherhood by using the simplest, earthiest everyday things. The author writes about the (sometimes monotonous) things we experience as mothers and encourages us to find God in them...the God who became a baby, a child, to bring us closer to Him. He is in our children today and wants us to find Him in them...and to find Him in our own weary, changed bodies as well. One of my favorite parts was when she wrote about Jesus being one of us in the messiness of life-- how He lived with and joined the normal, everyday people and talked about fish, yeast, water, taxes as He ministered and taught the kingdom of God. I mean, I know this already but somehow reading her words and seeing Jesus like that was very tender for me. I also appreciated the Catholic vein woven throughout the book even though the author herself is not Catholic-- she writes a lot about the sacramental realities...God using tactile, tangible things to give grace and spiritual meaning to our lives (reminds me of another great book I'm reading by Laura Kelly Fanucci: Everyday Sacrament). At the end of each chapter, there are several reflection and practice points to integrate into your own life. This has been a very meaningful book to me and one that I will likely read more than once.

[Thank you to Tyndale Publishers for my complimentary review copy. This contains my honest and original thoughts.]





God Loves Daddy and Me, by Bonnie Rickner Jensen

I'm such a sucker for faith-based board books. This one does not disappoint. Beautiful illustrations and a touching story to introduce little ones to God's gentle and fatherly love for all of us. I like the specific message that God loves not only children but also adults (who are also His children). I think it's good for kids to learn that God loves us even as we grow and that God loves and takes care of mommy and daddy too so that they learn faith is not just for children, but also for us as we grow up! (Maybe even more necessary as we grow and lose that sense of childlike innocence and trust!) My only slight hesitation about the book is that some of the activities the dad and child do may not be ones all fathers do with their children-- build forts, go on picnics, etc. I wouldn't want a child to feel left out if their daddy doesn't do these things with them. Also, the raccoon child seems to be a boy, so not that a little girl and her daddy couldn't have these adventures, but there's a father-son feel to the relationship described. These are all fine things, but just information for those considering the book if they have a daughter. :)

Thank you to BookLook Bloggers for my complimentary review copy. This contains my honest and original thoughts.]

Rest

Restless.

That's the word I'd use to describe my daughter last night as I lay in bed beside her, trying to help her fall asleep. She rolled from side to side, played with her tiny toes, chattered with that sweet baby voice, and looked all around in the dusk of the nightlight with those big eyes of hers.

I knew she needed sleep and was avoiding it, so I was determined to wait it out and not stimulate her with any conversation or playtime. I snuggled up close to her and put my arm around her, hoping she would feel soothed enough to settle. She reached out her chubby hand and grabbed my finger.

And within seconds, she quieted. Within minutes, she fell asleep. It was the sweetest thing in the whole world and I melted. What a gift it was to be her safe place, her comforter.

I continued to reflect as I lay there and wondered if I was experiencing some of God's own heart and mind...

Does He watch us lovingly as we move here and there all over the place in our busyness? Does He smile as we converse with each other and explore the world around us?

Does He yearn for us to reach out to Him in our restlessness, so that He can be our safe place, our Comforter?

Let's take His hand today, sweet friends, and find all the love and rest and joy we need.

"The Lord your God is in your midst...He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love." 

-Zephaniah 3:17

Meaningful Life and Abortion

A little boy is going to be born soon and I can't wait to hold him. Many months ago, I wondered if he would live to see this side of the womb.

I sat across from his momma visit after visit as she talked about her reasons to have an abortion. Each week, my faith would falter and I wondered if this would be the visit she would cancel, telling us she had had the abortion. But each week she showed up, tearful and undecided, letting us love on her and be a safe place to process her unplanned pregnancy. I'll never forget when she tearfully told me on her third visit that she had decided she was going to "terminate." She felt there was no other option.

But through God's grace, the power of prayer, and lots of love and tangible resources, she's now awaiting the birth of her precious son. Her ultrasound with us was the first ultrasound she had ever seen. The flickering heartbeat that first connects a mother to the life within her.

Last week, I stood on the sidewalk by the abortion clinic for a peaceful prayer vigil and I talked with a fiery pro-choice protester. We discussed our thoughts on abortion, on post-abortive women, on poverty and privilege. I was grateful for the discussion because so often in this deeply emotional topic, we stick closely to our own sides and regard the other as enemy. This young woman and I parted ways in peace, not anger, and even discussed our own motherhood and wished each other well for the weekend.

But there's something she said that's sticking out to me like a thorn. Because I think it's indicative of how so many view abortion today. She said she knew that a life was ended in abortion, but that it wasn't a meaningful life. The 'fetus' as she preferred to call it didn't have a meaningful life. And if the mother was poor, even after being born it would not have a meaningful life.

Is this where we are as a society? We can look at a human life and decide if it has meaning and should or should not live? What if we disagree? What if I think it has meaning and someone else does not? This is so relative. It pains me. The child gets no part in the decision of whether or not its life is meaningful.

So much can happen in nine months, both in a woman's situation and in a woman's heart. Yet I see the pressure in a woman's mind and heart to make a hasty choice when she finds herself in an unexpected pregnancy. The pro-choice protester argued with me that if a woman can't afford to eat, you can't blame her for choosing an abortion and that we should give her that right. I think that's a sad solution to her struggle-- let's give her the right to spend hundreds of dollars for a decision that will likely wound her soul and still leave her poor in both body and spirit. Why do we think this is a solution? Shouldn't we instead be rising up to give her money, resources, love and support instead so that she can choose parenting or adoption? Shouldn't we be feeding both instead of ending one's life and continuing to allow the other to starve?

I recently sent an email out to friends, family, and church members asking for diapers or meals for my sweet client due soon with her baby. I was overwhelmed by the immediate responses of these people, offering meals, money, diapers-- even one woman offering to buy baby food for her six months from now! One friend who leads our mother's group at church wrote and said they had decided to host a baby shower for her. The Body of Christ showed up and I was humbled.

These pro-life people are the ones that the world would have you believe are only 'pro-baby' or 'pro-birth,' that they don't care about the woman but only that she chooses to give birth.

I don't think so.

These are the people who believe that every life has meaning. The woman's life. The baby's life. Even the life of the abortion doctor. From conception to natural death.

And so I keep praying. That abortion will become illegal, but even more that abortion will become unthinkable. That those who are pro-choice will see that the choice of abortion leaves one life ended and another life deeply wounded. That we will cease to see abortion as a solution to a problem, but instead to see it as a symptom of a greater problem. And that more mothers will have the strength within and the help of the community around them to choose life for their children. And that every single one of us will regard every life-- from the smallest to the greatest and including our own-- as having meaning simply because we are created by a loving Father.

My Coffee Date

I glance at the clock as I hear her hungry little grunts and noises. I try to remember when I last got up to nurse but it's all blurring in my tired memory. So I get out of bed and hope that this will be a quick feeding and get both of us back to much-needed sleep.

Instead she is wide awake after her meal. My frustration melts when she smiles at me. And then she laughs. The first time. And I cry at the beauty of it.

She finally drifts back to sleep in my arms as I rock in my great-grandma's rocking chair. I put her back in her bed and glance at the clock again. The daily decision-- do I go back to bed or stay up? It's way too early to be up with this much lack of sleep...but I feel the Lord calling me.

I walk down the stairs, every muscle aching, even the ones in my face. It's as foggy outside as it feels in my brain. I put the coffee on and hear the comforting brew. I close my eyes to the mess all around me of wipes and blankets and water glasses and opened mail and laundry in the dryer. So much to do in my small amount of time before she wakes up...prayer time feels extravagant.

But I respond to His invitation anyway. I take my mug of coffee and the baby monitor out to the porch. I sit quietly as the sun burns through the fog and I wait for the Son to burn through the fog in me.

He shows up. Despite my inconsistency in meeting with Him, He is there. We talk. We sit in silence. We watch the morning sky together. I tell Him about my inadequacies. He tells me about His grace.

I look at the bottom of my coffee cup and I hear the noises on the baby monitor. It's time to go. I walk back in to the messiness but it doesn't bother me as much anymore.

Instead I hear His tender reminder as I begin this day...I am with you.

He is with you too today. With all the grace you will need. Feel His tender love for you in every moment.

Mercy Mondays!



It's the Year of Mercy for the Catholic Church. Oftentimes a pope will declare a special year for the church in order for Catholics to focus on a certain aspect of God or a specific virtue or theme (Year of Faith, Year of Jubilee, Year of Mercy). We are slowing winding down on this past Year of Mercy, but I have to admit I'm only just beginning to really focus on mercy. 

And I have to thank this book for it! Somehow when I thought of the Year of Mercy, I tended to think most about God's mercy in the sense of forgiveness for my sins and encouraging others to come to Him to receive forgiveness as well. While this is true about mercy, it's only the beginning!! 

I had forgotten that mercy is so. much. more. It's not just about forgiving sins or withholding punishment, but rather mercy is about God's overwhelming love for each one of us, the way He reaches down to us and attends to our needs. 

There are two Hebrew words used for mercy in the Bible and their meanings give us a better idea of how to truly receive God's great mercy. The first word is hesed-- "steadfast love." The second word is rachamim-- "tender, compassionate love." These meanings warm my heart when I think of our great God loving us tenderly and steadfastly. I think when we have a better understanding of God's mercy for us-- that powerful yet gentle love-- we are so much better able to share His mercy with others.

Divine Mercy for Moms, by Emily Jaminet and Michele Faehnle, has been such a gift this past month as I adjust to motherhood and begin to contemplate ways I can serve God in this very new and different role. However, the ideas in the book are definitely applicable to any woman in any state of life. My favorite thing about the book is how practical it is! Sometimes I'll read a book and be inspired but not quite be sure how to apply the inspiration to my daily life. This book is chock full of ways to show mercy to those around you. 

As I continue to read the book, I'd love to share some of these inspirations with you, and I'd also love to keep myself accountable to giving and receiving of God's mercy! Thus, I created Mercy Mondays on my blog! I plan to intentionally and purposefully do one act of mercy each week and share it with you as well as what I'm currently reading in the book! I'd love to have you join me and we can learn to experience God's mercy more deeply and share it more generously!

Of Loss and Love: A Year in Review with Pictures

So I've been pretty sentimental today. I didn't expect it. It was mostly a normal day. I worked. We have no New Year's Eve plans. I'll be going to bed early from exhaustion. But this NYE stuff caught up with me. The reflecting on a year drawing to a close. So as I drove to and from work, I found myself reviewing the year.

And what. a. year.  Marriage. A home purchase. Losses that knocked the wind out of us. Joy that seeped into the cracked places of our hearts. New places and new friends...and always the treasured old.

Tears and smiles, awe and gratitude joined me in the car today. But more than anything, I felt grace. Grace all over the year, woven through the ups and downs. God's presence. His protection. And His providence.

Sometimes we need to look more closely at the small things to see beauty...but sometimes we also need to step back and look at the larger picture. Join me as I recount the big and small things of 2015?

January

I was knee-deep in wedding planning, a nervous but excited fiancee looking ahead to the biggest change in my life.

I accompanied P. (fiance at the time) and my bestie R. to the March for Life in Washington D.C. Always a powerful trip as we show our nation's leaders (and the few media channels that will cover it) that we believe every life is a gift and worth living.

P. was invited to lead the prayer for the opening of a House of Rep. session at our statehouse. Such an honor!! His brother, nephew, and I were tickled pink to join him!

February


We were blindsided by the sudden death of my father-in-law. By God's grace, all the family members were already in town for a Baptism (some live as far as the East Coast) and were able to stay together for the following week. The grief and shock were overwhelming. We were too young to lose a parent. I felt so inadequate to comfort my husband-to-be, yet was so deeply touched by the way his family banded together in their grief. I felt blessed to become part of this family, this legacy.

March

We found our house. Searching for a home during our seven-month engagement proved to be one of the most challenging things we did and possibly stretched us the most as a couple. But I'll never forget the day we saw this house...shortly after losing the bid on a previous home I had wanted. We both fell in love with the country view, the quaint two-story, and the white woodwork. Within a week, we had had our offer accepted.

April

My bachelorette party with my sisterhood. These girls. The ones who have been with me through the ups and downs of single life, relationships, faith struggles, and self-image woes. We have a history together...and a future. Their hearts were so generous in helping me plan and prepare for marriage. Some friends will stay in your life forever.

May

I stood face-to-face with the man who swept me off my feet and vowed to love him forever. I watched him cry as I walked up the aisle. We worshiped together in song after receiving our precious Jesus in the Eucharist. We were overjoyed at the church full of so many loved ones who traveled near and far to support us, pray with us, and celebrate with us.

June

After a crazy two-week stint of living in both our apartments (an hour apart) on a random schedule, we moved into our new home! My mom and dad get the highest praise here, I've never seen anyone work so hard in helped us pack and unpack. We also had a sweet band of friends who made endless rounds from the trailer to the house. I hope they move soon so we can begin to repay them!!

July

One of the most joyful and painful months of our lives. We learned I was pregnant. Those moments of awe that a little life is within you...soon changed to the agony of having the little life leave you too soon. We lost our sweet son, Ignatius, to miscarriage. Despite being only two months into our marriage, my husband was a rock for me. My mom and my sister were lifeblood. And all the women who came out of the woodwork and shared their own miscarriages gave me strength and hope that we, too, would get through this. I was most comforted by these words of Mother Angelica.

August

It's an odd thing to be an adult. Because somehow, you can grieve and rejoice at the same time. And so while we still carried our grief, we were also enjoying our first few months of marriage and life in our new home. We hosted about forty young adults at a local park for a summer party of sports, pizza, and a bonfire. Such a gift to have fellowship with solid, delightful people who share our love for Christ.

I took my first trip away from P. and enjoyed the annual girlfriends camping trip at the lake. Despite my tan for the wedding, I burnt to a crisp from too much lounging in the lake!

September

A friend H. and I began Courageous Women, our monthly Bible study. The book has been incredible, the friendships inspiring, and the food quite tasty!

October

In the wake of doctor's appointments, new diagnoses, and discouragement about my fertility, we decided to take a month to refocus and reprioritize. October was a simple, carefree month all about our marriage. We even took a little getaway to Amish Country when my husband was scheduled for a few talks there. I was so excited for him to experience a historic Bed and Breakfast (although I think he mostly just enjoyed watching me get so excited about it all). I found so much peace and joy in this month of surrender to the Lord and gratitude for the gift of our marriage.

November

The day after Thanksgiving my thankful heart overflowed when I got a positive pregnancy test. Despite my deep gratitude, I soon learned this time around there would be a battle with fear and anxiety. I wanted to be excited and joyful but I struggled with detachment and fear that we would lose this little one, too. I so desperately wanted to trust God, but what did that even look like in this situation? I couldn't trust that everything would turn out like I wanted it to...but I realized I could trust who God is, that He loved and willed this child into being, and that He had a plan for it. If that plan was to join Him in Heaven right way or if that plan included us meeting and raising this little one, God's will be done. He is good and He loves us in either outcome.

December

My Advent continued my struggle with fear but I could see grace reaching in, God teaching patiently, and my heart learning slowly. We still don't know what will happen in the months ahead, but I'm learning to treasure every day I carry this child beneath my heart. I'm learning to trust like Mary in the uncertainty of life just as she trusted God in her pregnancy. And there is joy. So much joy.