I slipped in to church four minutes before it started and found a comforting spot between my parents and my brothers. I knelt down to pray for a moment, my head throbbing from one of the frequent headaches I seem to get lately. Tension was in my heart, too, as I fought against thoughts and emotions that threatened to overtake me--many of them planted there by the Evil One, no doubt.
Why am I here? Where is God in all of this and what is His plan? Am I doing something wrong?
Unanswerable questions are the worst, but they seem to be the ones that surface when we're in pain. In a brief moment, I see the past few years...a broken engagement, polycystic ovarian syndrome, major surgery across the country. The fight for joy, for growth, for healing in so many areas. The beauty that came from ashes and pain. Renewed faith. Falling in love again. Walking on stable ground once again...yes, even dancing.
Only to find out the surgery didn't work. That the dream-come-true of this man I loved was simply that--a dream. The fight for joy, for hope, begins again...but I'm battle weary.
And if I'm going to be real...a little angry sometimes.
I don't want to be. But I feel it every once in a while, in a little corner of my heart. Hurt. Doubt. Questioning. And a hint of anger. Yet I know that emotions are just feelings. It's what I chose to do with them. So I keep praying--even if I just sit there sometimes. And I keep choosing trust--hoping the feelings of joy and hope will come back in time. That He will be faithful once again. I choose to come to church tonight.
I kneel there, with all these thoughts and emotions swirling in the few minutes before Mass starts.
And I tell Him, with an odd mix of defiance and pleading, that after all of this...
"I'm still here, God."
I want Him to know. The effort it takes to follow Him some days. I want Him to remind me that it's worth it.
And then I hear His voice in my heart, loud and clear. His response melts away my stubbornness, my loneliness, my doubt. It's exactly what my heart was needing--begging--to hear, though I didn't know it until then.
"So am I."
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear. It's hard, isn't it, not knowing why? We have to remember that God's in charge...not easy, but true. You will be in my prayers!
ReplyDelete- Another Laura
Thank you so much, Laura, for the comment and prayers! For the most part, I try to keep the 'why' question out of my mind in tough times...but it definitely still surfaces!! :)
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Laura
My prayer for you is that this is the beginning of your healing. You are such a faithful young lady, it is truly impressive. I have been following your blog for the last couple of weeks, and even through all of your current suffering, your faithfulness has truly impressed me. You have been in my prayers. I want you to know that one day all of this suffering will be gone and you will be so much stronger and you will find a Love that you had no idea could exist. Keep believing and know that you are an inspiration to anyone whos life crosses paths with with yours.
ReplyDeleteI wonder why too sometimes (well, often). But each and every time I get back to the answer you wrote: God is still (t)here. One of my confessors always gives the same penance: meditate on Peter's words "you know that I love You, Lord". The first few times he gave me that penance, I shrugged. Sure, I'd meditate, but I didn't think it would have any impact. Now that sentence has become a huge part of my prayer life.
ReplyDelete"You know that I love You, Lord, and I'm sorry that I messed up again."
"You know that I love You, Lord, even if I don't always know that I do myself."
"You know that I love You, Lord, even though I'm really angry at you right now."
"You know that I love You, Lord, but I don't understand why this is happening."
But mostly, just "You know that I love You Lord."
It's been such a strength for me and I hope it will give you strength too!
Angela, your words touched me so much. Thank you, thank you, for commenting. Everything you said was such a gift and blessing to me. And I really appreciate the prayers.
ReplyDeleteCiska, that is such a neat meditation. Thank you so much! I will have to remember those words. I had a confessor once recommend Luke 18:37-42 for me...so now I often pray, "Lord, help me to see."