Here's my life...broken heart and all...again

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more
Here's my life.

Even when the tears are falling
When I find I fear the calling
You remind me
Words You've spoken over my life
Promises I've yet to see
You comfort me

 

-"Here's My Life," BarlowGirl

 

 

I could say that having to perform in the Advent drama right after P. broke up with me gave me a welcome distraction from my emotions...

 

But the reality? The tears that flowed down my face during the drama were not from the beautiful words spoken by the woman's testimony.

 

I could say that I'm writing this morning because I need an outlet, that I need to process my thoughts and write them.

 

But the reality? My first tendency is to hide, to not have to see or speak to anyone while this gaping wound exists. Yet my prayer for this blog is to be real, to be authentic. So I share with you my struggle, my pain, and my fight to look for the light in the darkness.

 

I could tell you that as I pushed my emotion-racked body to get out into the sunshine today and run, a wave of fresh endorphins gave me strength and motivation.

 

But the reality? My return from the run was met by a wave of fresh tears.

 

I could make this breakup sound funny and tell you how I watched five N.C.I.S. episodes yesterday and ate Twix Peanut Butter candy bars and Reese's ice cream on the couch (okay, I'm not so depressed that I can't admit that does sound pretty funny and classic).

 

But the reality is I'm broken. I'm crushed. I can't begin to describe or express my pain on this blog. I loved this man with everything in me and my greatest desire (besides following the One I love even more) was to love him, serve him, and support him. What do you do in a situation like this? I really don't know.

 

But what I do know is that even now, even in this place of confusion and pain and intense heartache...there is grace.

 

Grace in the words and actions of friends...the texts, emails, calls. The Psalm chapters A. and D. printed out for me. The Tim Horton's hot apple cider they brought. The tissues and muffins K. brought. Grace in my dad's kiss. My mom's arms. My brothers' love. My sister's tears.

 

Grace in the quiet moments with the Lord last night. Trusting that He is okay with my wordless prayers when I can't speak. That He holds me in the darkness. That He hears every heart-cry and sees every tear. That He weeps with us (John 11:35). That He's bigger than all of this and He sees beyond my vision but promises to stay right beside me through it.

 

Grace in the words of the director of the crisis pregnancy center during our call yesterday about my possible work there (more on that sometime in the future). She gracefully put aside our discussion of that and poured out her love and encouragement and words of hope on me. This amazing, godly woman that I barely know prayed for me and P. --and I felt the Spirit come down upon me with the most comfort and hope I've felt yet.

There are layers upon layers of emotions in this and reasons why I'm hurting. But the bottom line, every time, is that I love him. I love him and I don't want to be apart from him.

 

It will be okay. It will be okay. It will be okay. I've probably said "I can't do this" more times than I've said "I will get through this." But in my best moments...I pray with the Psalms...

 

Because you are my helper...

I cling to you;

your strong right hand holds me securely. -Psalm 63:7-8

 

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,

for my hope is in him. -Psalm 62:5

 

He reached down from heaven and rescued me;

He drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemies,

from those who hated me and were too strong for me.

They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,

but the Lord supported me.

He led me to a place of safety;

he rescued me because he delights in me. -Psalm 18:16-19

 

I love you, Lord;

you are my strength. -Psalm 18:1