Light little updates

I've written some heavier posts lately, so it's time for just some lighter news bits (but unfortunately there's no Quick Takes linkup this week!).

1. Our little love is getting baptized this Sunday. We're so excited to welcome him into God's family and the Church. We're also hoping some of the grace will help him sleep better. ;)

2. I'm currently dairy-free in an attempt to improve our babe's reflux (have tried EVERYTHING) and the diet is not as bad as I remembered from G. Have you ever had sloppy joes over sweet potatoes? Pretty tasty. And this stuff makes morning coffee delish.

3. I do however greatly miss milk and cheese. And we're also literally missing some cheese around here...I made macaroni for lunch today for Miss G and in an attempt to distract her from her hangry-ness I gave her the cheese packet while I was cooking the pasta. I have no idea where she took it and could not find it anywhere in the house when it was time to mix the pasta with it...

4. We had a tiny bit of spring weather here but seem to have mainly skipped from winter to summer...although I suppose it is Memorial Day weekend already and that's the beginning of summer around here. Temperatures are in the high 80's and 90's this week. I'm not complaining. It makes the mornings and evenings perfect and we are chillin' in the house during the high heat for afternoon naptime anyway.

5. We have ants in our kitchen and they are not the cute "Picnic Panic" kind (anyone remember that game??). We get them every year. Same spots. And they drive me nuts every time. What are your favorite remedies? My neighbor said to try diatomaceous earth. Pretty sure I misspelled it yet again...Google usually corrects me when I look it up to order. We'll see how it goes.

6. Two teen girls from our Catholic community came this morning to help out with the kids for a couple hours. I was really anxious about it and don't know why, but I'm thinking it has something to do with my introvert/perfectionist/controlling tendencies because I was hesitant to invite them into my less-than-perfect, out of control, postpartum mess. But it was such a joy to have them here. Miss G had some meltdowns but eventually warmed up to them a little more and I enjoyed just having their friendly selves around as they got to know the kids and I got to know them. Without family nearby, I'm realizing I really need to get more comfortable with accepting help from 'church family.'

7. I've been reading a little less than I was a few weeks ago but I've recently finished All the Light We Cannot See as well as The Nightingale. Both fiction books were excellent and thought-provoking. A little on the melancholy side and tough to read at times (set in WWII and didn't shy away from some of the horrors) but I loved them for the most part. I also read One Beautiful Dream by Jennifer Fulwiler and have been getting together with my moms' group to discuss it. Her writing is so fun and funny, yet I've also wrestled with my thoughts over it and how it can apply to my own life when it comes to blending your other dreams and callings with the ultimate calling of motherhood. It's a perfect one for a moms group to discuss because you can bounce ideas off each other.

Happy holiday weekend!

Loved for Who We Are

Teacher's pet. Straight-A student. Valedictorian. Commencement speaker. I was all of them and more growing up...from wowing my kindergarten teacher with handwritten stories to shaking hands with the dean of nursing at my college as she offered me a future job. I'm grateful for these opportunities and accomplishments, but there's a dark side to them.

I grew up addicted to achievement. I craved success, perfectionism, and the resulting praise. I unknowingly became a believer in performance-based acceptance.

When I became a young adult post college, life wasn't quite so simple. You could work hard, research and study incessantly, do all the right things...but success didn't always happen. Life got messy. In a span of a year, I had a broken engagement, a diagnosis that could cause infertility, and had moved out on my own as a result of (what felt like) my parents selling my childhood home out from under me.

I was broken. I didn't understand how all of this could have happened to me when I was doing everything right. That season of life was one of the most painful and one of the most growth...but isn't that the way life goes? I learned so much about the false but deep roots of performance-based acceptance. Feeling broken was the best thing that ever happened to me because all of a sudden I really needed God. And needed grace. I was letting go of the perfect and finding peace. I was seeing my imperfections, my messiness, my lack of control, and my inability to orchestrate life. But I was also experiencing deep mercy, joyful freedom, and powerful unconditional love.

I learned that God loved me for who I was, not what I did.

Fast forward a few years or ten. I fall in love again. I get married. We buy a house. All good gifts from above. I'm grateful. We're surrounded by a large faithful community. Life is good. God is good.

But then we have a miscarriage. More diagnoses and treatment. We go on to have two more beautiful (and living) children. Life happens. The house breaks down. Sometimes the marriage breaks down. Daily life is hard and mundane. Motherhood is hard and taxes me physically, emotionally, mentally. Is life still good? Is God still good? Does God still love me when I'm selfish and whiny and ungrateful for my blessings? Yes, yes He does. You learned this years ago, remember?

But maybe the bigger question is do I still love God?

In the hard moments, I wonder why He doesn't fix things that are broken, heal things that are wounded, give things that are desired, take away things that are unwanted. I don't want to love Him until He does.

And then I realize I only learned part of the lesson ten years before.

In the deep parts of my soul, I realize that perhaps I've learned that God loves me for who I am and not what I do...but that I haven't learned to love Him for who He is instead of what He does (or does not).

If my relationship with Him is merely about the things I want fixed, healed, given, and taken...then my relationship with Him is performance-based acceptance. The very thing I tried so hard to get away from.

He is always good. He is always giver. He is always grace. He deserves every part of my heart and every ounce of my love and more-- simply for who He is. Goodness itself. Love itself. When I focus on who He is, there is no need to focus on what He does or does not. He is enough. His love is enough. And then life is enough once again.

Life is beautiful again.

Something Bigger

I can't do this anymore.

I have thought this thought a thousand times in the past month. When I'm crawling out of bed to nurse a crying babe who just ate less than an hour ago but the burning acid in his throat makes him want comfort food yet again. When I'm sleeping in a chair in the wee hours of the morning because my reflux baby just can't breathe lying down from all the congestion that's accumulated overnight. When I'm starving from breastfeeding hunger and all of a sudden the toddler wants food stat, the dryer is ringing off with good clothes that can't wrinkle, and the newborn wakes up screaming when you thought he'd sleep at least another half hour. 

These are such small crosses. So why do they feel so heavy? 

Because I haven't slept more than two hours straight in weeks...and I'm lucky if I catch two sets of two hours per night. Sleep deprivation will show you the worst of you. It will take you to mental and emotional depths of despair (you know it, Anne Shirley) that you hadn't known you could reach. Some days you'll feel like a robot, utterly disconnected from everyone you love, even that sweet and precious new baby. 

It's hard, guys. It's so hard. I wrestle with the fact that this suffering is so small compared to others. I recently read this book and I can't begin to think of the suffering of those living through WWII, especially in the concentration camps. We don't have chronic or terminal diseases. We've had church family and friends (even blogger friends) shower us with prayers and love and support and meals (someone even paid for an appointment for our son and made me cry with gratitude). For goodness sake, our cross is in the form of a beautiful, beloved child when so many of our friends are suffering from infertility. 

But this is me. Stripped of all pride that I'm doing this motherhood thing well and right. I'm simply surviving and hoping for resolution. Hoping for guidance and healing and grace...for my little man's pain-- and for the ugly parts of me that have surfaced in the struggle. 

Yet there's the smallest part of me that desperately wants to whisper tentatively that maybe...just maybe...sometimes I am doing this motherhood thing right and well. That the stress arguments with my husband, the resentment that the baby is crying yet again, and the bitterness toward God for not helping us in my timing versus His...that those things happen less often than the smiles and strength (and even a few laughs) between my husband and I as we share the load and remind each other we'll get through this. The times that I snuggle and sing and play with my daughter and my son and feel their soft skin and hold them close and memorize their faces and know that this is true gift. The hundred times I've gently rocked my son close and spoken softly to him telling him that I'm here, I'm here for him in his pain. 

In another book I'm reading, Fr. Mike Schmitz speaks of the importance of remembering in our suffering that we are part of something bigger. Even in the most isolated crosses, we are a part of a larger plan and those crosses can have meaning and purpose. Nothing is wasted. We must have hope in this. Not a false optimism but a deep, abiding hope that God is with us in the hardest moment and He is bringing us through it. That He is using it for greater good. Not in our way or our time, but His. And He is good. 

So I hold on to that. In the hard moments that I cannot think straight from fatigue and the days feel like a blur of caring for these tiny humans and figuring out how to help one of them feel better, I will remember that we are part of something bigger. My children will grow up to (hopefully) contribute to this world and be with all of us and the Lord in the next. Our little home is a launching pad for a mission we cannot see during these days. Only God knows. But He is with us and He is at work. We may not see Him center stage during our sufferings, but we can trust He is behind the scenes.

Currently // May

In which I venture out of my postpartum hole and share with you a bit of what we've been up to! (*hint* Not much going on around here, we're pretty boring and desperately sleep-deprived, but we're so happy and thankful for the gift of our little family.)

celebrating // the birth of our sweet son! It's so crazy how much life changes when your child is on this side of the womb...it's like you know it will be different but then all of a sudden they're here and you almost can't remember what life was like before them (or maybe that's the sleeplessness affecting your memory...haha).

creating // Memories for our daughter. Hobbies for me right now are at an all time low with a toddler and a newborn taking virtually all of my time, but it's fun to use my creative juices to come up with ideas for little G. Last week we made homemade playdough that was colored (and scented) with Koolaid packets! Disclaimer: I'm in no way "Pinterest perfect" when it comes to this stuff. We have plenty of non-creative days when Daniel Tiger and Pinkalicious fill in the gap for me.

wearing // Lots of stretchy pants, messy buns, and still my maternity clothes. It has been both fun and terrifying to begin to try on my non-maternity "normal" clothes on my postpartum body. Sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised and gain a new outfit to wear from my closet...and sometimes I go into crisis mode wondering where my waist went and why the shirt that used to cover my rear now looks like a crop top. But hey, we're only four weeks here so there's a lot of grace for that. ;)

sharing // my vulnerability in this postpartum season with my besties: my mom, my sister, and my husband. The three of them have been my rocks as we deal with an unexpectedly difficult time with a reflux diagnosis and because of that a baby who has not been able to sleep the majority of the time unless held upright in our arms. We just had a lip tie laser revision yesterday and are hoping for some symptom relief in the coming weeks, as a tie can greatly contribute to reflux.

going // on so many walks in our neighborhood and tiny town. It's soooo great to have beautiful spring weather finally! Our neighborhood is full of white flowering trees, yellow daffodils, and purple violets. I'm also really glad we registered for a double stroller for my baby shower a couple years ago -- the time has flown by and we're already using it for two kids. I felt silly the first year taking it around with one baby in it but now my frugal self is quite pleased we don't need to purchase another stroller to accommodate two kids. ;)

What are you currently up to? Linking with Anne!