I'm so grateful that The Pain is not constant because when it comes, it's almost unbearable.
On an hour-long drive home this weekend, It was bound to find it's way to the surface. And as the suffocating wave crashed over me, tears flowed from the depths. The overwhelming desire to call him, to hear his voice, was fighting reason and willpower.
So I turned on the radio.
The beginning strains of Amy Grant's "Better Than a Hallelujah" were playing. And I was reminded so beautifully...
"The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a hallelujah sometimes.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a hallelujah."
Sometimes I feel so very human. So limited. So unable to take hold of more than one day at a time, but instead having to focus on the present moment and give the rest to God.
Maybe that's exactly where He wants me.
This lack of control finds me leaning more on Him, letting go when my fragile mind can't figure it out. It finds me resting in His mercy and love, trusting in His power and goodness to cover and heal my weakness and sin.
The finite seeking the Infinite.
The weak needing the Strong.
The child reaching to the Father.
Yes, I think this is right where He wants me. My choices may have brought me here, but His grace is bringing good from it even now.
Just like He promised (Romans 8:28).