For as much as I've wanted to be a mom my whole life...for all the times I dreamed of these days...
It's amazing how inept I can feel at this whole mommy role sometimes. How much I can doubt myself and my abilities. The lack of sleep, the postpartum hormones, and just my general lingering perfectionism have all played a part in my questioning if I'm doing this right, if I'm caring for her well, if I'm a good mom.
I didn't expect that.
But I also didn't expect the grace. The grace that has nudged me out of bed every few hours through the night to feed and change our little one. The grace that kept me breastfeeding every couple hours every single day despite the beginner's pain that accompanied it. The grace that makes me want to give all that I have and all that I am for this precious little girl in my arms. Truly I'm learning that this vocation of motherhood is a surrender of self, an offering of your very body to another, just as Christ offered His body for us on the cross..."my body given up for you." (Luke 22:19)
Yesterday at Mass I knelt after communion, singing one of my favorite songs with the worship band-- "Good Good Father" by Chris Tomlin. My husband was holding the baby so I was able to fully enter in to this beautiful song. As the words to the first verse appeared on the screen, I felt God speaking to me in that moment-- speaking to me as not only the mother to my daughter...but also to me as His daughter, His child.
But I've heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night
And you tell me that you're pleased
And that I'm never alone
I started crying. I didn't realize it but I needed to hear that reminder. That when I'm up in the dead of night nursing my daughter and feeling alone...I'm not. I'm not alone. He is whispering of His love. And He's telling me He is pleased. He is pleased with my feeble attempts at motherhood, with my offerings of my flawed self to raise this beautiful gift He's given us.
He is truly a good, good Father.
And because of that, I have hope that with His grace I can be a good mother.