For as much as I've wanted to be a mom my whole life...for all the times I dreamed of these days...
It's amazing how inept I can feel at this whole mommy role sometimes. How much I can doubt myself and my abilities. The lack of sleep, the postpartum hormones, and just my general lingering perfectionism have all played a part in my questioning if I'm doing this right, if I'm caring for her well, if I'm a good mom.
I didn't expect that.
But I also didn't expect the grace. The grace that has nudged me out of bed every few hours through the night to feed and change our little one. The grace that kept me breastfeeding every couple hours every single day despite the beginner's pain that accompanied it. The grace that makes me want to give all that I have and all that I am for this precious little girl in my arms. Truly I'm learning that this vocation of motherhood is a surrender of self, an offering of your very body to another, just as Christ offered His body for us on the cross..."my body given up for you." (Luke 22:19)
Yesterday at Mass I knelt after communion, singing one of my favorite songs with the worship band-- "Good Good Father" by Chris Tomlin. My husband was holding the baby so I was able to fully enter in to this beautiful song. As the words to the first verse appeared on the screen, I felt God speaking to me in that moment-- speaking to me as not only the mother to my daughter...but also to me as His daughter, His child.
But I've heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night
And you tell me that you're pleased
And that I'm never alone
I started crying. I didn't realize it but I needed to hear that reminder. That when I'm up in the dead of night nursing my daughter and feeling alone...I'm not. I'm not alone. He is whispering of His love. And He's telling me He is pleased. He is pleased with my feeble attempts at motherhood, with my offerings of my flawed self to raise this beautiful gift He's given us.
He is truly a good, good Father.
And because of that, I have hope that with His grace I can be a good mother.
Oh Laura! I am going to be going through all of this soon! I have thought about it since childhood too. Thanks for showing me that his 'grace' exists for us all.
ReplyDeleteAw! Prayers for you! Motherhood is challenging but so, so beautiful!
DeleteAmen! I think it's amazing to see the kinds of things that we are capable of with the grace of God when a little baby comes along. God is so good! It really is such an incredible self-offering. I think about that a lot at Mass, because Peter usually is nursing as I go up for Communion or just after I've received the Eucharist-and it's so profound to receive God so intimately and completely and then to give of myself so intimately and completely.
ReplyDeleteYes, such a gift of self. I thought of you this weekend at mass because I was nursing G and almost went to Communion like that but she was finished in time. ;) You inspired me though where I knew I could do it if I needed to! :)
DeleteThis is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart! It sounds like you are being exactly who your babe needs you to be- you! Continued prayers for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jen! I miss your blogging! <3
DeleteI just love how God uses whatever our circumstances are to show us that we can't do it all alone. We need him and he never leaves us! You're doing a great job.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Laura. I so appreciate your prayers. <3
DeleteAnd yes, He does use each unique circumstance!! Always drawing us nearer...